Is this asking too much? I think it is what I've always wanted, and have never really had. I don't just mean you like me, that is OK for dating, but long term, I want someone who actually loves me inside out in a way that no matter what, know you love me. I know I am not perfect, but in that imperfection, that is where I am at my best. Allowing myself to make mistakes and be ok with it, it is where a true partner takes you by the hand and smiles and says "I will only love you more". A partner who finds value in the vulnerable moments because it shows trust and it says you feel safe to not always be at your best. I want to know that I don’t always have to do the right thing and that you will still love me. Unconditionally. I want to know you will handle me with grace. It seems a little corny, but in my mind I believe this to be what I strive for. It may be why I can never be satisfied, because the thing I am looking for is impossible. Or at least unobtainable to me. It’s a conundrum for me. On one hand I feel like I deserve this, but on the other hand, I question whether I am good enough for someone to feel this way about me. It may be that my image of myself is really distorted, and that actually I am only attractive to people who don't or won't find the beauty in this struggle of self. It may be that the reality is it is few and far between that there is a person who has the capability to love like this. Do I even love like this? I know I struggled to try to give this, and never quite felt it was reciprocated. In my marriage, he adored me in his way, and it is probably why I married, but in reality I confused his fear of being alone for adoration. Actually, he found many things about me, my true self, to be things he couldn’t come to terms with. I frightened him. I think he never really respected me. He felt if he could "keep" me it was enough for him. And in my latest relationship, I know, I am not adored. He does not hardly ever acknowledge my strengths, because to do so somehow says something about himself and his own fears of inadequacy. He follows up any praise with the caveat that he is perfectly capable to doing for himself anything that I do. And so it is, that I take from this: it means nothing when someone does for you what you can, after all, do for yourself. No weakness, no vulnerability. It seems as if being who I am, who I love to be, makes him feel inadequate. I believe with all my heart I am only trying to be what it is I want a partner to be.
It is why I have always been attracted to people who told me I was smart. People who pointed out or valued my strengths. It's as if I cannot believe these things about myself unless someone else confirms them. It is my weakness, that if you tell me I’m smart, that I am good, I crave to believe that someone feels this way about me. And ultimately, it is what I want, for you to adore me.
But what if I am wrong? What if all this time, I have just had expectations that were so high no one could meet them? What if all this time I have convinced myself that others can't meet my needs when in reality it is me that won't allow myself to completely go there? What if I keep chasing this elusive "perfect" partner only to find that all along I had a good thing and over and over again, I let it go?
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