Not because for the first time ever in the history of the United States an African American man was elected president....
No......... I will remember this day as the day I first heard my daughter call another woman Mom. A woman who hasn't EVEN known my children for a whole year. Does the title Mom MEAN something anymore? Doesn't that title have to be EARNED? I am sad, but even more MAD at the adults that they would teach/support/encourage/allow my children to be so cavalier with this honor. As if it means little or nothing for one to have such a title. As if respecting your Mother and Father above others is not necessary, that they are easily replaced. And maybe I am being a little dramatic here after all it is just a word. But in my heart of hearts it should mean more than that. And I am dissapointed that I have not taught my children the sacred meaning of that word.
To pretend I didn't see this coming would just be naive. But I can say I must have done a really good job of fooling myself into believing it wouldn't happen - because when it did hear it I cannot describe how very much it hurt. Like being hit by a car - no matter how many times I looked before I crossed the street - this one seemly came out of nowhere. Yet in hindsight I know I wasn't looking carefully enough. Wishing that I would be lucky enough to avoid this.
Lately I have struggled to tread water in the swelling river of "the teenage years" - fighting the current of teenage angst - and now I am also feeling the weight of a new step mom for my children.
For as long as I can remember all I ever wanted to be was a Mom. I didn't have career aspirations like the rest of the kids I knew, the only thing I knew for sure was that when I grew up I wanted kids - and more specifically I hoped for a daughter.
Lucky, lucky me.... not only did I get two kids, one of each: a daughter and a son, I am incredibly blessed to have healthy, beautiful, smart children who are growing to make me more proud everyday. And now as I realize just how honored I am to have the title of Mom - I also have to realize that with that title comes some amazingly hard responsibilities. For as selfish as I would like to be about this, I know as their Mom it is my duty to do what is best for them. As much as I would like to be such a giood Mom and have such a solid relationship with my kids that they would never ever consider calling someone selse Mom, as much as I would like to believe that I am irreplaceable - the truth is I cannot make them feel guilty for feeling how they feel. I cannot be mad or insist that I am their only Mom. I must let go and let them decide in their hearts what Mom means to them and accept that sharing that title with another woman is truly their decision - not mine.
God gave me these children because I had lots to learn. I have taken for granted my role and my relationship with my children - assuming it was a given that I am their Mom - and that I alone would have that. When in truth the hardest part about being a Mom is knowing when to let go and let your kids who they are going to be. And that includes allowing them to have whatever relationships they will have in this life with who they will.
Doesn't change that it hurts all the same......................
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
You're Fired
Once upon a time I made friends by default, by lack of any other choice you got the job. And I kept friends like the government keeps workers: continued to pay you until you either quit or retired, but I never fired you. Lots of people quit, some retired. And those that stuck around just kept collecting - whether they did their job well or not.
I don't like it that you are angry with me about this, because it is hard for me to accept that someone might not like me. But today I have come to understand that deep down inside.... you hating me over this is the reason why I can no longer respect you enough to call you my friend.
You didn't live up to the requirements of the job. Sorry but YOU'RE FIRED.
I don't like it that you are angry with me about this, because it is hard for me to accept that someone might not like me. But today I have come to understand that deep down inside.... you hating me over this is the reason why I can no longer respect you enough to call you my friend.
You didn't live up to the requirements of the job. Sorry but YOU'RE FIRED.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Cloudy
It is gray and cloudy today for the first time in a very long time. It is oddly comforting to me, the dark brooding sky that rumbles occasionally letting go and drops spill from above. It seems to mirror the mood I have harbored all summer long. Despite the blue skies and sunshine my petulant mood just seems to cloud everything to a dull overcast finish.
I have been so naive - What I know now is happiness is NOT ALWAYS simply a choice - or at least there are circumstance where choosing happiness is just not as simple as it is stated. Sometimes choosing happiness is as difficult as fighting against a current dragging you the other way. Sometimes it is just too much. Too much for one heart to hold. And I see why people give up, become still and stop fighting.
Too much loss, too much to bear, that I wonder how I can continue like this. Yet everyday I do, somehow, manage to get up and put one foot in front of the other. Going through the motions, but really just sleepwalking through life. I even manage to sometimes distract myself just long enough to enjoy the moments, but there lurking in the background is the pull tugging me back, reminding me that this year summer just didn't hold the same joy it normally does.
I don't know that it has ever been this bad. I don't know if my compulsion to run has EVER been this strong. Do you ever just wish for a do over? I just want to start all over. Like OK I see how much I've fucked this up can I just select to restart the game? I know it isn't right to throw the baby out with the bath water, but that is exactly what feels so attractive. Just to walk away from everything.
Time heals all wounds? I'm not so sure, I think time tends to allow our minds to forget. And forget we do until the next time.
I have been so naive - What I know now is happiness is NOT ALWAYS simply a choice - or at least there are circumstance where choosing happiness is just not as simple as it is stated. Sometimes choosing happiness is as difficult as fighting against a current dragging you the other way. Sometimes it is just too much. Too much for one heart to hold. And I see why people give up, become still and stop fighting.
Too much loss, too much to bear, that I wonder how I can continue like this. Yet everyday I do, somehow, manage to get up and put one foot in front of the other. Going through the motions, but really just sleepwalking through life. I even manage to sometimes distract myself just long enough to enjoy the moments, but there lurking in the background is the pull tugging me back, reminding me that this year summer just didn't hold the same joy it normally does.
I don't know that it has ever been this bad. I don't know if my compulsion to run has EVER been this strong. Do you ever just wish for a do over? I just want to start all over. Like OK I see how much I've fucked this up can I just select to restart the game? I know it isn't right to throw the baby out with the bath water, but that is exactly what feels so attractive. Just to walk away from everything.
Time heals all wounds? I'm not so sure, I think time tends to allow our minds to forget. And forget we do until the next time.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Eventually Everyone Leaves
It seemed so normal sitting in the shade sipping iced tea. I largely just enjoyed the time in the shade on a perfect summer day. For a brief moment I allowed my mind to process how right this all seemed and agreed it felt good not to be so distant and brooding. To allow her in. It didn't really occur to me to remember all of the times she's hurt me and let me down. It's funny, just like anything that is painful, in order to protect ourself from it we forget just how much it hurts.
Of course if I let myself, I could have done what I normally do and just closed down. Kept her at a distance and not let her in. Protecting my heart from the next time she leaves. But the truth is whether I kept myself closed or not, it hurts all the same when she disappears. And she did. Less than a week later, one day, life was just too much and she did what she always does which is to shut off the outside world until she deemed it safe for her again. And there I was left to take care of canceling our plans and rearranging life - left to wait it out until the storm in her world passed.
I am struggling with this lately as I have also just watched two of my very best friends both leave, and a third teetering on the brink of going away. Most of this is geographical, but also emotionally I've had to say good bye for reasons beyond just a change in their physical location.
This got me thinking about a lot of the relationships I have had in my life over the years: they have all ended. I can't think of one relationship that I have maintained over the course of my life. At one point or another, sometimes for good reasons, and sometimes it has been just circumstantial, but they have all gone away. And unlike my Mother who pops back in after weeks on no contact, just as if nothing is or has been wrong, people who go away, tend to stay away.
It has not gone unnoticed by me that there is something here that I must need to learn. Beyond why it seems I can't maintain lifetime relationships, and that like shoes they just seem to wear out or go out of fashion and get replaced. No, more like how to not be like my Mother and go away when life is hard. How to gracefully deal with difficulties without shutting out the world. But when you learn to be scared that eventually everyone leaves... how do you trust and not hold everyone at arms length?
Of course if I let myself, I could have done what I normally do and just closed down. Kept her at a distance and not let her in. Protecting my heart from the next time she leaves. But the truth is whether I kept myself closed or not, it hurts all the same when she disappears. And she did. Less than a week later, one day, life was just too much and she did what she always does which is to shut off the outside world until she deemed it safe for her again. And there I was left to take care of canceling our plans and rearranging life - left to wait it out until the storm in her world passed.
I am struggling with this lately as I have also just watched two of my very best friends both leave, and a third teetering on the brink of going away. Most of this is geographical, but also emotionally I've had to say good bye for reasons beyond just a change in their physical location.
This got me thinking about a lot of the relationships I have had in my life over the years: they have all ended. I can't think of one relationship that I have maintained over the course of my life. At one point or another, sometimes for good reasons, and sometimes it has been just circumstantial, but they have all gone away. And unlike my Mother who pops back in after weeks on no contact, just as if nothing is or has been wrong, people who go away, tend to stay away.
It has not gone unnoticed by me that there is something here that I must need to learn. Beyond why it seems I can't maintain lifetime relationships, and that like shoes they just seem to wear out or go out of fashion and get replaced. No, more like how to not be like my Mother and go away when life is hard. How to gracefully deal with difficulties without shutting out the world. But when you learn to be scared that eventually everyone leaves... how do you trust and not hold everyone at arms length?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Thank U
To explain where I've been in the last 6 months, to describe how I got here..... well, I'm not sure I really can. I had to fall down really hard. Bruised and broken. Staring out into nothing wondering if I would ever shake this empty feeling in my gut. That feeling that tells you, this time you really fucked up. And I had. I hated myself. I hated where I was. I was so utterly lost. Was I being hard on myself? yes....and no. The truth is, I made some pretty bad decisions. And as my cursor blinks at the end of that last sentences, all I can think is: what an understatement.
For all of the bad decisions, that to this day I can still replay in my mind wondering what would have happened at each turn had a did or said something different, I did make one good decision: In the end, I trusted the right person. Probably for the first time ever in my relationship with the Alaskan, I trusted that he would be able to handle this.
It was a HUGE gamble to admit my mistakes to him. For in this, I wasn't the only one who had made mistakes. He had his own burden to bear as well. But the only way for to get to it, was to go through it. I had to quit blaming him for everything. And even more, I had to let go of the notion that I could control his response.
I think I have always feared that if I let him in, if I trusted him completely, he would just leave. I never trusted that we had anything that would cause him to stay. Eventually, he would tire of me and he would go. And the truth is, when he really did leave, I somehow felt better, as if I could quit anticipating his departure. So for some reason in a moment of reckless abandon, a little tiny speck of bravery (maybe stupidity) allowed me to be vulnerable and bear my soul. To trust him with more of me than I had ever allowed him to see. In opening myself, I had to accept that he may still leave, but to allow him to know me and still decide to stay. I had to accept that he might hate me forever, but it was possible that he might love me more than I ever gave him credit for. And most important, I had to accept that I, ultimately, was not in control of that decision. And that, my friends, was the fork in the road, the choice I made, that has led me here today.
It's hard to describe all that has transpired. I wish I could say he took me in his arms, forgave me and all is well. But the truth is life is never quite that easy. Many times, I wondered if I had made the right decision, many times more I believed if I could do it over, I would have done it differently. The path wasn't always smooth and clear. But I know I did the right thing. I know that not only for my relationship, but for me. To be able to trust that not everyone leaves when things are hard, is an invaluable lesson I could never have learned alone.
So I am completely OK? No. I still have some bruises, that I wonder if they will ever completely go away. Am I still afraid? Yeah, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. And then there is a moment when completely out of nowhere I catch an amazing glimpse of what it is that is so magical about relationships. In a moment of pure rambling, he says, "I was asking some of the guys at work about horses, and what the difference is between a mare and a gelding.... they said when we get a horse....." Dumbfounded, I say "You really do want to give me what I want." To which he replied, "Yeah, I do. And I will."
To completely understand this, you would have to know him and you would have to know me and our dynamics. Suffice to say, in the past I have always been the one to pay attention, and I'm the one who talks of the future. I'm the giver.
So lest I believe he never listens, or is not concerned about my dreams, but only with his own, or that he probably won't stay with me, he said I should know:
For all of the bad decisions, that to this day I can still replay in my mind wondering what would have happened at each turn had a did or said something different, I did make one good decision: In the end, I trusted the right person. Probably for the first time ever in my relationship with the Alaskan, I trusted that he would be able to handle this.
It was a HUGE gamble to admit my mistakes to him. For in this, I wasn't the only one who had made mistakes. He had his own burden to bear as well. But the only way for to get to it, was to go through it. I had to quit blaming him for everything. And even more, I had to let go of the notion that I could control his response.
I think I have always feared that if I let him in, if I trusted him completely, he would just leave. I never trusted that we had anything that would cause him to stay. Eventually, he would tire of me and he would go. And the truth is, when he really did leave, I somehow felt better, as if I could quit anticipating his departure. So for some reason in a moment of reckless abandon, a little tiny speck of bravery (maybe stupidity) allowed me to be vulnerable and bear my soul. To trust him with more of me than I had ever allowed him to see. In opening myself, I had to accept that he may still leave, but to allow him to know me and still decide to stay. I had to accept that he might hate me forever, but it was possible that he might love me more than I ever gave him credit for. And most important, I had to accept that I, ultimately, was not in control of that decision. And that, my friends, was the fork in the road, the choice I made, that has led me here today.
It's hard to describe all that has transpired. I wish I could say he took me in his arms, forgave me and all is well. But the truth is life is never quite that easy. Many times, I wondered if I had made the right decision, many times more I believed if I could do it over, I would have done it differently. The path wasn't always smooth and clear. But I know I did the right thing. I know that not only for my relationship, but for me. To be able to trust that not everyone leaves when things are hard, is an invaluable lesson I could never have learned alone.
So I am completely OK? No. I still have some bruises, that I wonder if they will ever completely go away. Am I still afraid? Yeah, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. And then there is a moment when completely out of nowhere I catch an amazing glimpse of what it is that is so magical about relationships. In a moment of pure rambling, he says, "I was asking some of the guys at work about horses, and what the difference is between a mare and a gelding.... they said when we get a horse....." Dumbfounded, I say "You really do want to give me what I want." To which he replied, "Yeah, I do. And I will."
To completely understand this, you would have to know him and you would have to know me and our dynamics. Suffice to say, in the past I have always been the one to pay attention, and I'm the one who talks of the future. I'm the giver.
So lest I believe he never listens, or is not concerned about my dreams, but only with his own, or that he probably won't stay with me, he said I should know:
He Does, He Is and He Will.
"Thank U"
how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time
the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping
thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
Thank U by Alanis Morissette
Friday, November 9, 2007
The Fairytale
Have you ever thought your life should end up like a movie? Say Pretty Woman? Well, maybe not Pretty Woman, because how many of us dream of being hookers falling for a rich john (not sure why that happens to be my twisted fairytale, but it seems fitting). OK, substitute some other, more appropriate, hopelessly romantic story where "Prince Charming" swoops in, they fall madly in love with each other, he sweeps her (who is almost always less than perfect in circumstance, but perfect in demeanor) off her feet in the most incredibly romantic way, and saves her from her poor, pathetic life?
So maybe we don't buy this in exactly the same way we did when we were seven, because well, how sad would it be to believe we are not whole or complete alone and that we must be saved by some swooning man in order to be happy? I digress... But do you think deep down some people maintain a belief in fairy tale true love long into adulthood? Do we hope for the perfect courtship and happily ever after? Is this illusion stored in the back of our minds, in our subconscious where we keep all the ideals of our lives, tucked away safely like mementos in a hope chest?
I think I have always believed in this fantasy to some extent. Not completely, but enough that this impractical expectation has colored how successful I believe a relationship is. I can't quite bring myself to part with this, even though over time and circumstance, I've long outgrown such silly ideas. If it isn't "just how it should be", then maybe it isn't the "Fairy Tale", and maybe it isn't meant to be.
The reality is, we end up in relationships where we don't live happily ever after. We work everyday, the effort being harder and more frustrating than digging a hole on the shore while the waves come to undo what we have done again and again. We struggle, we try different solutions, we compromise, we settle and we make deals we thought we'd never make. In attempts to find intimacy we try to work through misunderstandings and being better understood. We try, and we try again, even when we don't find what we are looking for. We seek to comprehend things that are beyond our perception. We give and give and give some more, and what we get in return isn't quit what we hoped for. Sometimes, we even let go of the things we cherish the most in hopes that we will find something better on the other side, only to be disappointed and resentful when we don't get what we need. And sometimes we fail, ultimately just wanting to quit and walk away.
It's not to say that it is all bad, these relationships. Lots of time it is so right and perfect in the moment you can't help but stop and laugh at the little guy on your shoulder who tells you that it shouldn't be this hard and you are making a HUGE mistake to keep trying. Sometime you have that precious feeling of "he gets me". You have that moment of simpatico. Often it is a look, a touch, and things are just good. The arms around you feel so right, the sustenance they provide is comforting right down to your bones. At these times, I just close my eyes and smile. Breathe. Take in the moment. Enjoy. Because unlike the fairy tales, it doesn't end here. Everyone doesn't live happily ever after. Life goes on with more struggles, and more moments of bliss. We just hope that overall the bliss outweighs the struggles.
But is the ideal: Once we conquer the struggle, we should live in eternal bliss, while ever elusive, keeping us from being content and satisfied? That: Prince Charming should be perfect in every way and complete us so entirely, making us wonder if there is someone more fulfilling out there for us? Do we put way too much emphasis on the "fairy tale" romance, therefore never letting ourself believe that things are gratifying, let alone good enough? Do we question a relationship's value by questioning "Should it really be this hard?"
The truth is, as nice as our fantasies can be, nothing of value comes easy. The struggle between good and evil can be equated to the fact that we find greater worth in that which we must fight for. Though it is never perfect, the progress we make helps us to be more satisfied together. There is no dragon to slay (unless you count his stubborn ways), there is no witch to trick (unless you consider my less than nice demeanor) and no one was locked in the attic waiting to be rescued (unless you reflect on the ways we help each other save ourselves time and again). We don't get the fairy tale ending kiss and the happily forever after fading into the sunset. Instead, each day we get to wake up next to each other, and for good and bad, we have been given the promise of one more day together. Because the only part of happy ever I find that works is: the after. That after all is said and done, we continue to come back to each other. Again, hoping to have happiness even after all.
So maybe we don't buy this in exactly the same way we did when we were seven, because well, how sad would it be to believe we are not whole or complete alone and that we must be saved by some swooning man in order to be happy? I digress... But do you think deep down some people maintain a belief in fairy tale true love long into adulthood? Do we hope for the perfect courtship and happily ever after? Is this illusion stored in the back of our minds, in our subconscious where we keep all the ideals of our lives, tucked away safely like mementos in a hope chest?
I think I have always believed in this fantasy to some extent. Not completely, but enough that this impractical expectation has colored how successful I believe a relationship is. I can't quite bring myself to part with this, even though over time and circumstance, I've long outgrown such silly ideas. If it isn't "just how it should be", then maybe it isn't the "Fairy Tale", and maybe it isn't meant to be.
The reality is, we end up in relationships where we don't live happily ever after. We work everyday, the effort being harder and more frustrating than digging a hole on the shore while the waves come to undo what we have done again and again. We struggle, we try different solutions, we compromise, we settle and we make deals we thought we'd never make. In attempts to find intimacy we try to work through misunderstandings and being better understood. We try, and we try again, even when we don't find what we are looking for. We seek to comprehend things that are beyond our perception. We give and give and give some more, and what we get in return isn't quit what we hoped for. Sometimes, we even let go of the things we cherish the most in hopes that we will find something better on the other side, only to be disappointed and resentful when we don't get what we need. And sometimes we fail, ultimately just wanting to quit and walk away.
It's not to say that it is all bad, these relationships. Lots of time it is so right and perfect in the moment you can't help but stop and laugh at the little guy on your shoulder who tells you that it shouldn't be this hard and you are making a HUGE mistake to keep trying. Sometime you have that precious feeling of "he gets me". You have that moment of simpatico. Often it is a look, a touch, and things are just good. The arms around you feel so right, the sustenance they provide is comforting right down to your bones. At these times, I just close my eyes and smile. Breathe. Take in the moment. Enjoy. Because unlike the fairy tales, it doesn't end here. Everyone doesn't live happily ever after. Life goes on with more struggles, and more moments of bliss. We just hope that overall the bliss outweighs the struggles.
But is the ideal: Once we conquer the struggle, we should live in eternal bliss, while ever elusive, keeping us from being content and satisfied? That: Prince Charming should be perfect in every way and complete us so entirely, making us wonder if there is someone more fulfilling out there for us? Do we put way too much emphasis on the "fairy tale" romance, therefore never letting ourself believe that things are gratifying, let alone good enough? Do we question a relationship's value by questioning "Should it really be this hard?"
The truth is, as nice as our fantasies can be, nothing of value comes easy. The struggle between good and evil can be equated to the fact that we find greater worth in that which we must fight for. Though it is never perfect, the progress we make helps us to be more satisfied together. There is no dragon to slay (unless you count his stubborn ways), there is no witch to trick (unless you consider my less than nice demeanor) and no one was locked in the attic waiting to be rescued (unless you reflect on the ways we help each other save ourselves time and again). We don't get the fairy tale ending kiss and the happily forever after fading into the sunset. Instead, each day we get to wake up next to each other, and for good and bad, we have been given the promise of one more day together. Because the only part of happy ever I find that works is: the after. That after all is said and done, we continue to come back to each other. Again, hoping to have happiness even after all.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
The Price is Right
So this is how it goes.....
Me, "Does this look ok?"
Him, "Yeah... you look good. Why? Who are you trying to impress, some guy at work?"
Me, "No, please.... everyone I work with is OLD!"
Him, "Yeah, well there are plenty of hot grandmothers out there.... I could even fuck a hot gramma... on her plastic couch.... while we watch Price if Right."
Pause..... hmmm... WOW - yeah, I heard him right, he did just say that!
All I can do is laugh.
Me, "Does this look ok?"
Him, "Yeah... you look good. Why? Who are you trying to impress, some guy at work?"
Me, "No, please.... everyone I work with is OLD!"
Him, "Yeah, well there are plenty of hot grandmothers out there.... I could even fuck a hot gramma... on her plastic couch.... while we watch Price if Right."
Pause..... hmmm... WOW - yeah, I heard him right, he did just say that!
All I can do is laugh.
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