GPS

Did you hear about the guy that drove his car into the river because the GPS said to make a right which he did, and drove right into the river?

OK, let me refrain from going on and on about what a moron he is and say when it comes to people like this, I believe in the Darwin theory. Let the "Dumb Feck" drive right into the river.

And actually, in the passenger seat, should be the woman who is going on a hunger strike until a certain contestant is voted off American Idol. In fact, I hope the guy driving has bus, because then he can hold a lot of idiots as they merrily drive into the river together!

The Purple SunFish Cruiser

It finally arrived!

I've wanted one of these bikes for some time and when I found one online that was purple, I knew it was destined to be mine! It arrived on Thursday, and lucky me, it was half assembled (Thanks to The Alaskan) by the time I got home. I would be cruzin' in no time! My excitement vanished, however, as he scratched his head with that look of frustration... "Look at the box this came in..." I look over to see a box that appeared to have been shipped around the world before it ended up on my door step. The box was badly beaten up, with get this, what appeared to be a hole the size of a basketball in the side that was covered by another piece of cardboard and taped up. Dented and dinged, it looked like it fell off the UPS truck (a few times) en route. Well, what do I expect for $100 from Wally World? He continues to rain on my parade, "And, there are parts missing, and look at the fenders, they're scratched and bent." Bummer all the way around. But since it was half way put together, he'd see if he could make it work.

As I am making dinner, I just happened to catch a glance of him out the front window test driving the cruiser. It's kind of like a guy who's brave enough to hold your purse for you in public (a purple purse with flowers no less!!). I smiled with a bit of pride at the sillyness of him in the saddle of the purple cruiser. And after all, since he tightened the screws, so I suppose he better be the first to try it out!

An hour later, I had my Purple SunFish Cruiser parked in the driveway waiting for it's maiden voyage. I gathered up the kids and their bikes and we were ready. I climbed aboard (Literally! It's bigger than I expected!) and the bike swayed and I balanced. WHOA! The Alaskan calls out, "Sure you'll be OK? Be careful!" I turn back and give him the look of death that says "Fack you! I've ridden a bike or two in my time!" only to smack right into my car. Look of death turns into sheepish grin, "Well, it's big..." Off we went down the street. I immediately notice that the fenders are both rubbing making a loud sound, but I am just too happy to be deterred from my jaunt around the block. I think I might LOVE this!

It breaks on a dime, which is good because steering is a bit different on this hulking thing. I think the handle bars being so wide is something to get used to. I managed to avoid a few collisions but when forced to navigate between two poles (we all know that my depth perception is a bit of an issue! Trying riding in a minivan with me if I have to park that thing! Try having me be a passenger while YOU try to park that thing! Yeah, I have spacial issues!), So, I am unable to negotiate the space. Another words, I WHACKED right into one of the poles! And there it was. DQ throughly embarrassed by my "uncool" behavior on the open road yells, "MMOOMM!" (If you have/had a teen ager, you know exactly the tone)

Back on the side street by the house and in the middle of the road (away from any possible obstacles) and feeling a little more confident (no more tight spaces), DQ calls out, "Mom you look funny." Yeah, well you look like Kermit the Frog all skinny and long legged on that tall adult bike! Sheesh! leave it to the kids to remind you that you are getting old and looking geeky! And considering the racket I was making cruzin' down the street, I'm sure she was right, I did look a little funny.

But oh well! It felt great! OK not the crashing part, but the cruzin' part!

To be Adored

Is this asking too much? I think it is what I've always wanted, and have never really had. I don't just mean you like me, that is OK for dating, but long term, I want someone who actually loves me inside out in a way that no matter what, know you love me. I know I am not perfect, but in that imperfection, that is where I am at my best. Allowing myself to make mistakes and be ok with it, it is where a true partner takes you by the hand and smiles and says "I will only love you more". A partner who finds value in the vulnerable moments because it shows trust and it says you feel safe to not always be at your best. I want to know that I don’t always have to do the right thing and that you will still love me. Unconditionally. I want to know you will handle me with grace. It seems a little corny, but in my mind I believe this to be what I strive for. It may be why I can never be satisfied, because the thing I am looking for is impossible. Or at least unobtainable to me. It’s a conundrum for me. On one hand I feel like I deserve this, but on the other hand, I question whether I am good enough for someone to feel this way about me. It may be that my image of myself is really distorted, and that actually I am only attractive to people who don't or won't find the beauty in this struggle of self. It may be that the reality is it is few and far between that there is a person who has the capability to love like this. Do I even love like this? I know I struggled to try to give this, and never quite felt it was reciprocated. In my marriage, he adored me in his way, and it is probably why I married, but in reality I confused his fear of being alone for adoration. Actually, he found many things about me, my true self, to be things he couldn’t come to terms with. I frightened him. I think he never really respected me. He felt if he could "keep" me it was enough for him. And in my latest relationship, I know, I am not adored. He does not hardly ever acknowledge my strengths, because to do so somehow says something about himself and his own fears of inadequacy. He follows up any praise with the caveat that he is perfectly capable to doing for himself anything that I do. And so it is, that I take from this: it means nothing when someone does for you what you can, after all, do for yourself. No weakness, no vulnerability. It seems as if being who I am, who I love to be, makes him feel inadequate. I believe with all my heart I am only trying to be what it is I want a partner to be.

It is why I have always been attracted to people who told me I was smart. People who pointed out or valued my strengths. It's as if I cannot believe these things about myself unless someone else confirms them. It is my weakness, that if you tell me I’m smart, that I am good, I crave to believe that someone feels this way about me. And ultimately, it is what I want, for you to adore me.

But what if I am wrong? What if all this time, I have just had expectations that were so high no one could meet them? What if all this time I have convinced myself that others can't meet my needs when in reality it is me that won't allow myself to completely go there? What if I keep chasing this elusive "perfect" partner only to find that all along I had a good thing and over and over again, I let it go?

Time after Time

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you
caught up in circles -- confusion is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights-- almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after--

sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said--
Then you say--go slow-- I fall behind--
the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time

after my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray
watching through windows--you're wondering if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time--

Time after Time - Cyndi Lauper

I don't know how much slower I can go. I need to keep walking and you are still behind, and everyday you fall farther behind. I don't think we are in the same place. I need you and mostly you are in your own world. I'm yours for the taking, but you don't want me. I lay there wondering how I can keep wanting something different in my head than what you are giving.

I hear other single people saying being single sucks. But I wonder what is truly worse, being alone or being with someone who can't give you what you need.

I guess I am about to find out....

It's Friday

And I NEED to get out of here. Badly.

Here is how my last call transpired (well, actually, just how it ended)

Me: "Is there anything else I can help you with?"
Caller: "No, you were delightful, as usual."
Me: "Have a nice day."
Caller: "You have a super day!"
Hang up.
Me: " Yeah, bite me..."

How quickly can I get to My Island?

Putting yourself out there

Married for 10 years, in a serious relationship for 2+, and then one finds them self single and wanting to date. What does that look like? How does that work?

I have been doing a lot of soul searching, because I mostly find myself in a place where I can say what I DON'T want. But what I DO want is harder to articulate. So here goes, lets see if I can list what I find attractive and desirable, and what "works" for me:

1. Someone who can pursue. One who takes initiate. Aggressive enough that I know he's interested.
2. A listener, but even more, someone who can talk with me, not just at me. Someone who can be thoughtful and communicative
3. Romantic. But not the sappy kind of fairytale, man saves woman and they live happily ever after, but more spontaneous (or planned) simple time together
4. Someone who enjoys the outdoors most of the time, but also likes to stay in sometimes. (vague, I know)
5. Must appreciate that I am competent, but also be willing to "drive" some of the time
6. Someone who is responsible and even a little ambitious
7. Must be able to encourage me to grow and not feel intimidated when I do, but also be able to take care of me when I need to be nurtured

Just a start....

Wasted

Standing at the back door , She tried to make it fast
One tear hit the hard wood, It felt like broken glass
She said sometimes love slips away, and you just can't get it back
Let's face it

For one split second, she almost turned around
But that would be like pouring rain drops back into a cloud
So she took another step and said I see the way out
and I'm gonna' take it

I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Another glass of whiskey but it still don't kill the pain
So he stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain
He says it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday
Gotta face it.

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
But still every morning the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

She kept driving along
Till the moon and the sun were floating side-by-side
He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear
For the first time in a while

Wasted - Carrie Underwood

I had to be there to get here

I know I've said this before that moving forward, moving on is only easy if you have perspective on what's in the rear view. What I've learned about myself is that I that I am always learning new things (and old things again!) about myself. So some of what I have learned...

1. I sometimes need to talk through something until I can figure out how I feel.
2. Sometimes I know it doesn't feel right, but I can't quite figure out what or how to make it right, so wrong or not I'm going to do it anyway.
3. If I don't take care of me, I'm not especially good at taking care of anything/anyone else.
4. My tendency is to give others what they want before figuring out if it is what I want.
5. I don't trust other people and don't often allow them completely in, and this can be lonely
6. I desperately want approval, and I need to give my self permission to value my own opinion
7. When it is quiet and I sit with it, I can find the peace. The trick is learning when it is noisy how to sit and steady myself, and find the peace again.
8. I can fail and it doesn't make me a failure, it just means I'm still learning.

The cast and crew

There are so many people in our lives that add to and enrich us in so many ways and I though it would be cute to come up with nicknames for the ones in my life. Partly to protect their privacy as I post stories, etc. and partly because, well, it's fun.

So lets start with the kids:

My Son We'll call him the "Dread Pirate Joe" At almost 7 now, my baby boy isn't really a baby anymore. Especially evident when he beats me down the ski slope! He is athletic and smart, and I mean wicked smart. And he's still oh so cute, in a little boy way that makes my heart melt. Especially when he says "You're the best Mom I ever had"

My Daughter, we'll call her DQ. And not after Dairy Queen, although she LOVES Dairy Queen too... but no, this is actually in reference to the "other" queen that more closely represents her: "Drama Queen". Being a Scorpio and my daughter, well lets just say sometimes it isn't pretty! She is all girl, she loves horses and dogs, pink and purple, and she is starting to like boys (well sort of). She thinks being 11 is hard. I say, just wait! She is beautiful, she is smart, she is funny and I am so proud to say she is mine.

Other folks:

The Teacher. She's more like family than a friend, but a best friend at that. The title so fits. She is always teaching me something and always encouraging me to grow and learn. When the two of us are together we rarely stop talking. And when we aren't taking about our lives, we are taking about the "dumb" people in this world that constantly frustrate us. She "gets me" in ways I sometime don't even get myself. She is the sister of my soul.

The Egyptian. A best friend that has been there with me through so much. I struggle here to even describe our relationship. We've shared a lot. I trust her, with everything. And that is so invaluable to me. She has 4 kids that keep her so busy, she works full time, attends college classes and watching her has helped me to relax and not sweat the small stuff. She is a goddess in my book and she is beautiful, lest you think she got this name from some corny dance move or something.

Daddy. The Egyptian's husband. One time, The Egyptian and I, in our attempt to understand this "male" way of being with oneself, asked him, "What do you think about when you are out in the garage all by yourself" And his reply: " Thinking about mowing the lawn and then what I need to do next." So much for that idea. He can build a house from the ground up and he can fix a computer and... well, lets just stop there before we stroke that ego much more.

ps. there is more to come on this...

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dream,
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own,
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy,
mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful,
to be realistic,
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself;
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul;
if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty,
every day,
and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, your and mine,
and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

I doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Each time I read this I am effected differently. Today, I am particularly moved by "Can you disappoint another to be true to yourself. " and "Can you live with failure". I struggle with failing and trying to be everything for everyone around me. So for now, I am trying to refocus on me, and what feels right for me. Trusting that those around me will take care of themselves. I don't know what this will mean for me and my future. For now I am trying to put one foot in front of the other and take care of me.

How are you?

I'm fine, really, I'm OK.

It only hurts when I breathe.....

Just take this from me.

Sometimes it's hard to always feel so responsible for everything in my life. From the laundry, to the bills, cooking, cleaning, even sex. For these things I am almost ALWAYS responsible. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone else who I could give it to.... just sometimes. Part of this is my own inability to let go, I know. But part of this is trusting that when I let go, you will be there to "catch".

Tom

I had a dream last night about Tom. He was there with me, but he was younger, around my age. When I saw him, I hugged him and whispered in his ear, "I love you so much". He wouldn't leave my side. In my dream, I was in love with him. Or maybe just in love with the idea he was here again. We were in a group of people just doing things. All I can really remember is that no matter what I was doing some part of him was touching me. I miss him.

Shoot the Moon

Mark edged closer to the table. "What does it mean, 'shoot the moon'?"
"It means he's gonna go for all the tricks."
"The whole kit and kaboodle. " Jackson said.
"Kind of like getting married." Lonnie explained.
"How's that?" Mark asked
"Well, say you find you a woman and you just can't get enough of. You want her so bad you can't eat, can't sleep.
"Now you know this is a woman who's gonna keep your bed warm on cold nights, make you potato soup when you're sick. She'd gonna believe you even when you're lying. Hell, she's the only person in the world who's gonna know what you wanted that you never got, and what you got that you never wanted.
"But you know for certain there's gonna be times when this woman's gonna make you miserable. She's gonna bitch if you forget your anniversary. She's gonna want you to watch some crying movie on TV when there's a ball game you wanna see. She'll expect you to skip your poker game and keep her company when she's feeling blue. In other works, she's gonna be a pain in the ass some of the time.
"So, you gotta make a decision. What are you gonna do? Walk away from her? Or go for it all. Give her up? Or shoot the moon."
"Well...." Mark looked into one face after another while all four of the domino boys waited. They were sizing him up. And he knew that his answer would, for them at least, determine what kind of man he was.
Finally he said, "Well, I guess I'd shoot the moon."

-excerpt from Shoot the Moon by Billie Letts

I guess that's what it all comes down to.... relationships require sacrifices. They require you to give of yourself in a way that may make you vulnerable. It may push at your boundaries and this can make you feel uncomfortable. Willingness to make sacrifices, to give of yourself, will determine a lot about who you are. It is risky to put yourself out there. After all you may be rejected. Is the pay off worth the risk? Do you give only to a point? Or do you give it all? Do you shoot the moon?

I create my own reality

"Is willing to accept that she creates her own reality except for some of the parts where she can't help but wonder what the hell she was thinking" ~ Story People

You Live, You Learn

It's still hard for me to let go of the ideal that marriage is suppose to last forever. And more importantly, what does it say about me that I couldn't make a marriage work. I know what's done is done, you cannot go back. But at times, I still question: Maybe if I had tried harder, maybe if I hung on a little longer, would we have figured it out? Could we have made it work?

The truth is, there will always be "maybes" in life. Hind-sight is 20/20 right? Well, maybe not perfect, but it is at least better. What I see now looking back is so different than what I saw then. First of all, time does heal many hurts. But also, I am looking back with eyes that have learned some things in this intervening time and have become so much more emotionally mature. So, although it may be that time and distance helps us grow and heal, and maybe now I can see where I might have done things different, more importantly, I realize I could never have known this then, in that place I was, because I wasn't who I am today. So for today, I must take away what I've learned and move forward.

Most days, I talk myself off this "guilt" ledge by reminding myself that staying in a marriage with irreconcilable issues was no example for my children. Years from now, if my daughter comes to me and described a relationship where she is unhappy, and try as she might she cannot find a way to be happy, do I tell her to stay, no matter what? Or do you take her in my arms and tell her sometimes, honey, life doesn't work out the way we think. And then help her with the long process of getting back to a place where once again she can see what she wants her life to look like. Helping her put the pieces back together, to put one foot in front of the other. We live and we learn, right? Isn't that what we are likely to tell our children? So why can we not tell ourselves this same thing? Why don't we allow ourselves that?

After all isn't it these lessons in life that teach us who we are? We must not forget that we learn invaluable lessons in getting our hearts broken. We learn when we fall and we learn when we fail. These lessons hopefully make is stronger and better. A better person, a better parent and hopefuly, a better partner, or at the very least a little wiser. We won't make the same mistakes again. Or we *hope* we won't anyway.

It isn't that I regret leaving, so much as I wish I knew then what I know now. The things I know now about myself..... But somethings you can only know by going through it. And more importantly, by trying and failing. So while you keep your eyes on the road ahead, don't forget to glance in the rear-view mirror on occation just to keep in sight where you've been. And, after all, I would not be who I am without having learned that: Ideals aren't always so ideal.

So as Alanis would say: "Swallow it down, that jagged-little pill"

Settling In (Letters to Lane in 2006)

Day 1 - OK, so as I sit here in my new (VERY bare) cubicle, I just wanted you all to know, I miss you all already!

Day 2 - So.... Don't ever complain about passwords again! We have (get this, no lie!) 8 different log-ons/passwords. Some change quarterly, some stay the same indefinitely. Some log-ons use a user name (here it's called a 3x3 which is the first three letters of your first name and first three letters of your last name, unless of course, like mine it is already taken, then you add a number!) And some use a number (in some instances it is your ssn, some it's a random number assigned). Sometimes your user name has an ! (here called a slam) and sometime your log-on number has a # (called a pound sign) in front. AHHHHHHHHH!! I'll get it all strait, but just remember when you are frustrated about your three LCC passwords... think of me.

Day 3 - .....Is looking up. I found a coffee stand (Barry's espresso & deli) on the corner of 12th and Alder. Yesterday, I went to the espresso PRN in the hospital. Almost got lost in this 'Winchester Mystery House', and they don't offer a pre-paid card. So kind of inconvenient.

But Barry (well that's not the name of the guy working in the counter deli, but we'll call him that!) made me an almond latte and a scrum-dilly turkey & cranberry sandwich for lunch on some homemade bread (started with a C, can't remember the full name, but when he said it, it sounded oh so good).

I brought in my plant (thanks Betty!) and my calendar (I feel so lost without it) today. Screw it if I don't know which cubicle is mine!

Day 4- Casual Friday... I made it! And I'm back to jeans & a tee shirt (for today at least!).

Rode the bus (from home) today (fought the urge to change to the LCC bus at Springfield Station). Said hi to Barry (and got a coffee). And here I am.

Things are coming into focus a bit. It's a process. They (notice it's not we just yet!) have 7 different major computer systems, each running several programs that we support. Not that it is all complicated, but it's a lot to organize and wrap your brain around. Right not (and for the last few days) they have a "dummy" phone that they hook up a another rep, and when that rep gets a call, I scurry to their desk and "listen in". I will tell you this, and I think you'll be jealous. Here is what a user hears when they call:

Helpdesk: "(PeaceHealth) Helpdesk this is Shawna, how can I help you?" No imagine warm friendly, (I know, it's a stretch if you've never had this experience)
User: " Yes, this is Judy in imaging,"
Helpdesk: " Hi Judy, what can I do for you today?"
User: "I'm having a problem with my computer, it...blah, blah, blah..."
Helpdesk:" OK Judy, what's your user name?"
User:" it's...."
Helpdesk: "Great."
TROUBLESHOOTING OCCURS HERE. Since you aren't familiar with this because you have probably (NEVER!) had the phone person do this. This conversation continues is the most calm friendly, patience manner you can imagine. No REALLY! all week long I have listened to ALL of these guys smile, joke with users, laugh with them, make them feel at ease. They are not quick to "pass the buck", which in my opinion, helps make the user feel that the Helpdesk IS doing all it can, before it pages the issue out, if needed. They log on to a users machine and see what they see. They fix issues, which the user watches them do on their screen. No mystical, magical stuff happening. I think some computer people, in order to feel powerful, superior, make you feel like what they do is "too technical" for you to get. Mostly this is NOT SO!

Helpdesk:" Judy, it looks like your keyboard has some faulty keys, so I'm going to page your Desktop rep. (every emp. has one assigned) and he'll be in touch with you in the next 15-20 minutes.
User: "Thank you!
Helpdesk:" Sure, no problem. Have a great day! "


A TOTAL 360 from Lane where you here:

Helpdesk: "Help desk this is Patricia."
User: "Hi Patricia, this is Shawna from Advanced Tech."
Helpdesk: "uh-huh (if you get any response at all at this point)."
User "I'm having a problem with my computer...."
Helpdesk:" I don't know why THAT would happen. Are you sure your computer is turned on? Do you know how to turn it on? I'm gonna have to send someone over"
User: "Do you know when that will be?
Helpdesk: "I have no idea." SILENCE!
User:" Uh, OK, well I guess I'll wait..."
Helpdesk: "OK, Bye"

Just a little glimpse into what a good helpdesk should be like. Maybe it's better not to know what you don't have. But , sorry, too late! I love you all too much to let you live in the Lane way. This will help keep your sanity, when you question, "Maybe it's me, and this just is how it is." Nope sorry folks, it's not!

Day 5 - I just learned rule number three (apparently, I've made it into the club). So here it is...

Rule #3 - Don't piss off the Helpdesk. You have 8+ passwords that can all be reset by the Helpdesk.

No wonder customers seems so polite :) BTW -
Rule # 1 - Customers lie.
Rule # 2 - Think Simple

Day 6 - So for the past week I have never felt so utterly dumb! See, I think I have really fooled these people. Although, you know, I can usually figure stuff out if I'm shown, there is just SO MUCH here that it is pretty overwhelming. And, yes, there is a lot I don't know about computers, system, networks, etc. I am really good at customer service, but the technical skills will be a thing I learn and pick up (with my awesome mimicking technique) as I go. A lot of it (technical support) here is related to the network, which, what I know about Networks fits into a shot glass. So most people here don't know what I do and don't know, so I listen, smile and try like hell to take good notes! Trying not to let on to my weakness. :) Heaven forbid they figure out I'm a fraud and they change their minds about me. You see that whole 'Never get a second chance to make a first impression?' Yeah, well you also never get a second chance to prove your "technical" worthiness as well, to other technical folks. So my motto: "Fake it till you make it!" It works most of the time.

But today I have found the one system which (it appears) I know more about than anyone else on my team. I now have my "expert system" (Most people here focus on a system and become "expert" and all others refer to them for in-depth knowledge. It is how they master complexity, divide and conquer) So I am so proud to have this shining moment and wanted to share with you all first that I HAVE FOUND MY NITCH! What system you ask? I know you are dying to hear.... the Canon copier! YES!!! It jammed and you-know-who stepped to the plate and got it unstuck! :) You see, it is very technical, opening the various doors and removing the jams, following the screen prompts is well, complicated. Only my previous training in this qualifies me to perform such complex duties. Dixie says, " Now we know who do go to with copier problems!" Yes, I am the (WO)MAN and I'll try not to "flaunt" my apparent superior skills over my colleagues. Comon, pump your fist in the air for me, just once, OK? It's a good moment here today!

Thanks to LCC, I can count this as one of my skills! Gotta go! Look busy and such....

Day 7 - Well, here I go: I'm on the phone... took my very first call at 7:16 am this morning. I didn't die :) But now it's official... I now have a chain around my ankle under my desk. I heard it snap into place this morning..... Oh, gotta go there goes my phone again!

Day 7 Update - So are you ready for this (can you see me beaming?).....

I took 24 calls today
I personally closed (solved) 19 of them myself (with some help of course), paged out the remaining. Had SEVERAL VERY happy customers. Oh what fun it is! :)

I think they might actually let me stick around here awhile at the rate I'm going.

Just wanted you all to share in my personal success, as you have had to listen to me whine and complain for the last week.

TTFN from you cheerful Help Desk Analyst :)

Day 8 - It's a sad story when I pick up the phone and say..

"Advanced Technology Division (LCC) this is Shawna......" OPPS! :)

Day 9 - It is eerily quite here at times for a room full of 8-10 people......

I am becoming more and more comfortable with troubleshooting. I used to surf the knowledge base all the time between calls, and not that I know it all, but I know enough that I can get through most calls. I play a bit of solitaire or surf the net between calls. That's hard to get use to! Sit on the clock and play games??? At first you'd think it was neat, but boredom is setting in a little.

Month One - I'm settling into complacency here. I've read almost two novels in the last week. Now Don't get too jealous and think that this is all I do between calls, Oh contra ire, I've retyped the notes I've made on my (self created, of course) cheat sheets (highlighted and flag for easy reference), reorganized my pictures on my wall (twice), bought more (appropriate) work attire on-line, cleaned out my e-mail box (who am I kidding! This is the EASIEST job. It's virtually always empty!) and of course I regularly query my old calls that I page out to see what the TSOC (Technical Support On Call) did to solve the problem and close the call. I learn a lot from these solutions. Calls are heavy in the beginning of the week and usually in the mornings. I am averaging 25-35 calls a day. 2/3 of which I solve on my own. Most of these are password resets, but every now and then I get a hard one. Like the lady today who didn't understand the difference between a folder, a document and a program. No kidding folks! And I don't just mean the icons were confusing. She literally didn't know what a folder was. Or how to access her documents without opening a "dummy" blank document (which she thinks CONTAINS all of her documents). I spent about 20 minutes logged onto her machine explaining the difference, and creating shortcuts on her desktop, and trying to clarify which was which. Mostly, the biggest thing, for me is I'm not so nervous to take calls anymore. I feel confident that I know what I know, and what I don't, I can (and will) learn on the fly through calls, OR what to do with the calls I can't solve.

I got an e-mail from LCC, they want to set up a meeting. I suppose that means they have some jobs to offer me. I'm not all that anxious for this meeting, given the complete waste of time my last trip to campus was. And the fact, of course, that they eluded that what they would more than likely have to offer were positions that were less than 1.0 doesn't cause me to feel compelled to hear what they have to say. I think we all know this is just a formality at this point. Lets face it folks, even a 1.0 won't be able to touch my current salary and that aside, given Lane's current state of affairs, I'm not sure it would be a smart move on my part to hang on to the sinking ship (think scene in Titanic where Jack and Rose are on the railing and the ship is sinking FAST!). In fact I would prefer to, at this point, retain my recall rights for the year or so, and see how things play out with next years round of cuts and so forth. So I think it's fine that they can't place me. Who knows what a year will bring, for me, or for Lane. Time is really the only thing that I can ask for at this point.

I made it very clear that I would like to work in the field of education, and that I would like to work for Lane. But, I think even more than that, I hope that I can have an opportunity to have some (positive) impact on the IT system at Lane. I know, I know. A glut for punishment! I know this is a VERY slim possibility in the near future. Especially in light of the current bumping and reassignment going on in that dept. So for now, I am hear for a reason, and I intend to get something from this experience, and try not to lament and focus anymore on what was lost in all of this. I guess that's the hard part.... deciding to give this my all and actually ACTIVELY pursue getting something from this. Besides a paycheck of course. Everyone is doing their yearly reviews this week. One of my co-workers let me know today that I should keep track of things I do, so that next year when I do my self assessment for my review, I can have some things besides, of course, being ever so helpful and courteous on the phone. So there it is, there is more to this job. Specifically what, I don't know just yet.

Coasting here is easy, and in fact supported and expected. I can merrily answer the phones and in between read, surf, play, talk, whatever. For a while, this will be fine. It's nice to be low on the totem pole and have virtually no responsibility accept showing up and answering the phones. But alas, this is just the beginning. :)

Month 2 - Don't look now... But I have been invited to bring my first lunch (Chicken Tortilla Soup) for everyone! I brought it for lunch today and got several comments from the smells wafting from the microwave as I heated it up. Rick asked if I brought enough for everyone, and I said, no, but I could! Now, I'm not so sure why this excites me, but it does! I plan to turn it into a little potluck. Just like LCC....

90 days - I can only say this for sure because I just had to change all of my passwords for the first time. Otherwise this little milestone might have just slipped by unnoticed. Ironically, they also shut off my Lane e-mail this weekend too. Time really has just flown by. This irksome little reminder is only a minor annoyance. After all I was just getting use to my trusty password. But I am already trying to develop a system (or a group) of 6 digit passwords I can use to help my forgetful brain (sound familiar?). But if this is the worst of it than I will count my blessings.

Life at PeaceHealth is not much different than life was at Lane. I come to work and do my job and feel some satisfaction that I am helping people with their computers. Most people seem really grateful, and of course there are those that you just can't please, no matter what. And then there are those who you just cannot convince that the computer is NOT out to get them! These little nuances remain the same. Although, I must say, when the folks at Lane were perplexed about computer issues, I wrote it off saying, "Well these guys have worked in their industry (very blue collar) and computers were not generally part of their every day life." So I usually "got" why it was hard for most of the guys I supported to understand these incidentals. And, again, not much has changed. I still support a bunch of people who find computers mysterious and frustrating, to say the least. I am still often surprised, though, when a doctor calls and simply does not comprehend basic computer fundamentals. Didn't they go to school for a bazillion years? Didn't they have to use computers to learn all of the knowledge that they now possess that got them all those degrees on their wall? You ever hear that country song (The Talkin' Song Repair Blues by Alan Jackson) where the guy who goes in to get his car repaired and the mechanic talks all the car repair lingo that the guy just doesn't understand. Then when the mechanic finds out the customer is a musician, he says "Yeah, I've been writing a few songs myself. Can I get your opinion?" Suddenly the musician realizes that he can talk music industry lingo and turn the tables on this guy. Suddenly doctors don't feel so much like God anymore. Oh sure they know so much more that I do. And lets face it, nobody dies if our server goes down. But I don't find them so intimidating anymore.

The people I work with are generally like me. Imagine working with a bunch of Shawna's (with some variations of course!), scary huh! Most of them are more technical than I am. And of course more experienced. But I'm learning. Mostly I am content to keep a low profile.

Staying busy is still a bit of a challenge. I read a lot, surf the net, sometime I draw and I have been trying to write some. I have so much I want to do, but the constant interruptions are a deterrent. Speaking of which there's my phone.....

PS. my plant is still alive and actually blooming again. Yippee Skippy!

Don't wear your headset to the bathroom

I changed jobs about a year ago and took, for the very first time, a job in the field I was educated in. I work at a Help Desk, where we provide first level technical support for medical professionals. For the most part, I like this new job, but as I have stated before, at times, it can lack in the mental stimuli department. That's OK, I make up for that with plenty of episodes of Grey's Anatomy, Lost and whatever other steaming TV I can find online. But I was going through old e-mails, deleting stuff I don't need anymore and I came across this little tidbit I e-mailed to my old co-workers during my first few weeks at my new job, that made me laugh and remember being a 'newbie'.

Note to self.... Don't wear your headset to the bathroom. We have cordless headsets here, and after a awhile you just be come use to having this contraption on your head, and you forget it is there. Pretty embarrassing when you head to the coffee shop on the corner with this thing on and you're not quite sure why people are looking at you funny. We've all done it at one point or another, one girl even rode the bus home once with hers on. But leave it to me to top that! That brings me to my latest "newbie" experience.... having my headset ring while I was having a private moment..... opps!

I'm Fine!

F.I.N.E., Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.

That about covers it, right?

But I'm fine, really.

My Own Little Island

And you're probably not invited!

Well, if you are reading this (most likely I have told you about this site, so therefor, you probably ARE invited.) But just so you know, here on my island, there will be rules.

BTW, my island has a few islands around it for those other like minded folks, who also need their "own" island, away from all the people who frequently piss us off. You know who you are!

Rule #1 - There will be no stupid people allowed

Well, who am I kidding? That will probably be the ONLY rule, at least for now.

WELCOME TO MY WORLD....... NOW GO HOME.