Sappy Love Songs

So I've said I LOVE sappy love songs. Most of them happen to be Country songs, but not all. So I was inspired today to (start to) list the songs that fall into the "I-wish-these-songs-were-written-about-me" list (in no particular order)

- It's Your Love * Tim McGraw (with Faith Hill)
"Better than I was, more than I am... all of this happened by taking your hand"

- Making Memories of Us * Keith Urban
"I wanna be here for you baby, this I know somehow, you've been stretched to the limit, but it's alright now."

- Love Song - Cure
"Whenever I am alone with you, I feel like I am home again"

-You Save Me * Kenny Chesney
" I know I don't tell you nearly enough.... I couldn't live one day with out your love."

- She's Everything * Brad Paisley
"She looks great in cheap sun glasses, she looks great in anything"

- Come a Little Closer * Dierks Bentley
Sends shivers down my spine (Of course the vision of DB half naked in his video doesn't hurt)
"Come a little closer baby, I feel like stripping it down" Need I say more?

- You Got It * Sung by Whoopie Goldberg
"Anything you want, you got it, anything you need you got it, anything at all, you got it"

- Better Together - Jack Johnson

- I'll Be * Edwin McCain

- In Your Eyes * Peter Gabriel

- Every Woman * Garth Brooks

- No Ordinary Love - Sade

- I'll Be There For You * Bon Jovi Oh So 80's hair-bear, but I just can't help it!

- Gravity - John Mayer I'll be the planet that seems to pull him ANYTIME!

- Fade Into You * Mazzy Star

- Come Away With Me * Norah Jones

- For You * Tracy Chapman

- Kissing You * Romeo & Juliet Soundtrack

Honorable mentions:

- Sweet Child of Mine - Guns N' Roses

- More than Words * Extreme

- For me, it's you * Train

- Amazed * Lonestar

Dick Read Error... Ever heard of it?

I work at a Help Desk and at least once a day I have a moment where I pause and marvel at the joys of my job. Here is my story of the day.

I get a call from a user whose computer shut down (on its own) and is now displaying the error "Disk Read Error". While scribing the call details I type in Dick Read Error. thank GOD! I proof my calls before I page them. But when re-reading this typo and trying desperately not to burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter (the kind where tears are streaming down your face and try as you might to relate the story to your co-workers, here on after: "helpies" you can't seem to get the words out in a fashion that makes any sense through your laughter) I backspace and type again DICK. OMG do I have some sub-conscious horny lust thing going on here?

Geez.. get a grip! Good thing it is 3:30 and I'm off for the day!

I'll add that error to the documentation tomorrow lest anyone else encounter this one and not know what to do with it. Cheers!

Last FM

So, while cruzing through a particularly funny and informative (in a pop culture kind of way) blog I happen to LOVE these days (Legwarmers) I came a cross a link to this site called LastFM that you can create your own music playlist and hear old favs and new suggestions based on the artists you say you like. Log on, enter artist(s) that you like and it will play songs related to your pick(s) and you can tag them/love them and LastFM will continue to "suggest" music you might like. It gives you information about artists and albums so if you REALLY love it you can buy it. I am currently listening and lovein' my way through the day!

And best of all (unlike some other music sites like this that look pretty cool), I can listen to this one on my side of the firewall. Yeah!

You can try it without creating an account, but I think if you want to get full versions of the songs to play, you need to create an account. Pretty painless, but one more password to remember. UGGGG!

UPDATE: My new FAVORITE music website! Pandora is a bit easier to navigate than lastFM and I like that you can add people who are also users on Pandora by entering their e-mail address. You can see what music your friends like! You can bookmark artists and songs in your profile and even shuffle different stations. However, you can't rewind a song or play a certain song on demand. But so far I'm liking it!

Where do I Surf?

As most of you know... I spend most of my day on a computer. Ah, such is the life of a Tech Support Rep. Between calls I do, well... many things, but mostly I surf the net. I read Blogs, watch on-line TV and generally satisfy my curiosity about the many things that float through this mind of mine. So when I find something cool, I will pass them on and hopefully you will enjoy these forays into the vastly great unknown: The Internet.

Control

I had the dream again. The one where I am traveling in a car, sitting in the passenger seat enjoying the scenery. When suddenly I "know" we are going to hit something. I look forward to see a big (usually a truck parked sideways in the road) obstacle in the way. It is then that I also realize that there is no driver of this car. I frantically try to change seats as we get closer and closer, even trying to somehow reach the brake....

And then I wake up.

All is Well

All is well, and you will never get it all done.
Life is supposed to be fun.
No one is taking score of any kind,
And if you will stop taking score so much, you will feel a whole lot better -
and as you feel better,
more of the things that you want right now will flow to you.
You will never be in a place where all of the things that you are wanting
will be satisfied right now,
Or then you could be complete -- and you never can be.
This incomplete place that you stand is the best place that you could be.
You are right on track, right on schedule.
Everything is unfolding perfectly.
All is really well.
Have fun. Have fun. Have fun!
---Abraham

Bitch

I once had a guy tell me when he heard the song Bitch by Merideth Brooks, it made him think of me. In my early 20's I was deeply offended by the implication that I was a bitch. After all, how could I be a bitch? I try so hard to have people like me, and this man who claimed to love me, thought I was a BITCH (even if only some of this time).

Now in my early 30's I embrace the bitch in me. Well, actually, I've learned that there are many piece and parts of me that make up the whole of me, and yes, sometimes I am a bitch.

I hate the world today
You're so good to me, I know, but I can't change
Tried to tell you, but you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath… Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried, must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Five weird habits/facts about you

OK, so I came across this game to play. (But like the person who sent it to me, I wonder: Is it really a game? You can't win and there are no opponents.) But here goes:

The first person starts with the topic “five weird habits/facts about you” and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits/facts. So I had to think REALLY hard to get my five. I may add more as I can come up with them, but for now:

1. I won't get a massage. I don't like someone (basically a stranger) to touch me like that. No matter how good everyone says it feels, I just can't make myself do it.

2. If you ask, I am usually compelled to answer. Please don't ask me what color my underwear are!

3. I was legally blind for a short period of my life.

4. I rub my feet together like a cricket when I am falling asleep.

5. I LOVE sappy love songs (especially Country ones!) that guys sing about women they love.

Oh and...

- I love the smell of asphalt when it hasn't rained in awhile.
-When I hear the sound of a garden hedge trimmer opening and closing (even on TV) I shutter picturing my little appendages (ex. fingers) getting cut off by said trimmer.
- I love to have my name whispered in my ear, makes me weak in the knees and well, I won't give too much detail here.

Happy Distractions

I did this once (OK I've done this a few time, but on a GRAND scale, I did this once). In an attempt to deal with some very confusing feelings, unhappiness in my marriage, and a general feeling of discontent and "What am I doing with my life?"... I fell in love. It was easier to be all mooney eyed, relating to love songs and busy my mind with replaying conversations and interactions. It was easier to fantasize about what was lacking (intimacy in my relationship) than it was to deal with why I was missing this. If it had just been about sex, well that would have been easy, but it was about so much more than that.

In the end (well not really the end) we it never further than a crush and I got a divorce. And on both accounts, I learned a tremendous amount about myself. I was looking for something I was lacking. And what I found was a happy distraction. This happy distraction ended up being so much more than an affair. It was a trip of self discovery, through which I learned a happy distraction may get you through a difficult time, but not dealing with the real issue will haunt you.

Hence why I find myself back here again, with an inkling of déjà vu. It's not exactly the same, but close enough that I feel that familiar lust for a happy distraction.

Conversations in my Head

Sometimes I spend so much time working through things in my own head that I play out a full conversation or argument in my head before we even talk. Imagine your surprise that by the time I see you, I am fired up, pissed off and sure that I know what your feelings and response is about this. And you stand there... "What?" Because of course you have not been privy to this conversation I've had with myself. You have no idea why I am so wound up. And so it goes, "Simmer down fireball"

Sometime we can't help ourselves.

Whether we are looking for validation or appreciation, we push farther and harder, risking so much, and not really getting what we want, but none the less, pushing the limits and boundaries of relationships to the very edge.

I think I do this in a bit of a self-sabotaging way. I don't know if I'm hoping to be rejected, or for some sort of confirmation that I am wanted. I think more than either of these two, which are both scary in their own way, I want to be understood, to be validated. I want someone to "get me". I want someone to take me by the hand and lead, for a little while. Just for a little while. Someone who will just make this a little bit easier.

Lest I make any more mistakes for which I cannot take back. I don't want to not be able to look you in the eye, and I fear that if I continue down this path I will be afraid to look at you; that I might catch the reflection of my own stupidity in your eyes.

Commitment

I recently had someone send me my astrological chart and one thing I have been thinking about is that it said:
"My Sun is Libra - You love the dance of relationships but abhor the thought of commitment."

Commitment is interactions dominated by obligation. To pledge to something or someone.

Do I loathe commitment? I never would have thought that about myself. When I think of commitment, I think in terms of people and relationships, but if I think about commitments to other things, I can easily see I have issues with it. I like to start things, but when it gets hard or tedious, I tend to want to quit. OK, I usually DO quit. And, likewise to some extent, this is true of my relationships with people. When it gets hard I want to quit. Maybe I don't completely quit, but I do go away. I find it is easier to quit a sewing project by putting it away, but people are not so easy. They don't wait in the closet for you to return on a rainy day with a renewed sense of determination and a fresh mind to pick up where you left off. People go away and move on.

Regret

"Times are far between, and few I bet, when we can look upon our lives without regret.
Of all the things I have done, you think I'm proud of everyone without exception?

'Till you make your peace with yesterday, you'll never build a future.
I swear by what I say." - 10,000 Maniacs, Few and Far Between, Our Time in Eden

Regret is a funny thing. We do the best we can in the moment and yet, we look back and question the choices we've made and what might have been had we chosen a different path. What if I hadn't left? What if I had fucked you that night you came on to me? Were you mad because I said no, or because you knew I wanted to say yes? What if I hadn't fallen so quickly for the first guy to look my way? What if...? Yet, why do we insist on being so critical of our choices and ultimately, ourselves? The truth is, choices are like dominoes, one tumbling against the next. We cannot go back. We cannot undo.

So we must make peace, and move forward. Sometimes it's simple: Although I would have made a different decision today, the decision I made created no messes. Other times, the guilt of possibly making the wrong decision stays with you like the sour smell of clothes that stayed in the washer long after the cycle finished. What am I looking for? What do I want? Absolution? Possibly. But I don't think it's that easy.

Where to begin....

In general, I am a talker. When I am trying to figure something out, I tend to talk about it. Or (to a much greater extent) I think about it. This is my attempt to write about it. I am hoping that by capturing my thoughts, I can refer back and..... well, I don't know: laugh, cry, roll my eyes, smile? We'll see......

Done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right
At this point in my life
I've done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me I hope I won't let you down
If you give me a chance I'll try
You see it's been a hard road, the road I'm traveling on
And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin
I've had a hard life I'm just saying it so you'll understand
That right now, right now, I'm doing the best I can

At this point in my life
Although I've mostly walked in the shadows
I'm still searching for the light
Won't you put your faith in me
We both know that's what matters
If you give me a chance I'll try
You see I've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down
You see I've been reaching high but always losing ground
You see I've conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb
And right now... right now I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life

Before we take a step
Before we walk down that path
Before I make any promises
Before you have regrets
Before we talk commitment
Let me tell you of my past
All I've seen and all I've done
The things I'd like to forget

At this point in my life
I'd like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs..... No matter if you find it
You see when I've touched the sky
The earth's gravity has pulled me down
But now I've reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine..... If you can give it a try
Then I'll reach inside and find and give you.. All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life

-Tracy Chapman, New Beginings

Another Moment

"I wrote the story myself: It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it." --Mae West

Sometimes I imagine writing a story about myself and the places I've been. It might make some good reading. Some funny, some sappy, mostly just a lot of irony, bad timing and fumbles through a life of perfect imperfections. I think I have convinced myself that if I did write it all down that somehow the patterns would be more obvious or that this journey would make a little more sense. Who knows. The truth is, once upon a time I had a reputation: PTO Mom, with a house two kids, a dog and a mini van..... and then, well, I lost it. Yes, I dropped my basket, so to speak. Kind went soul searching. Somewhere along the way I lost my reputation, and I have to say, I don't really miss it.

So without further ado, here's some of my story. Or as I have often titled it in my head: How I Got Here From There...