A Hemi

This post not for the faint of heart! If you get queezy, or don't like potty humor, skip it!

The joys of being a woman..... I learned very quickly in my first pregnancy that my modesty and humility were out the window. My body just took on a life (yeah no pun intended, ha ha) all its own.

I'll never forget the time I threw up in a restaurant's bathroom. Not sure what brought it on, I was feeling fine (and hungry) when we walked in. We placed our order, and while we were waiting for our food, I got that funny sensation. I got up to make my way to the bathroom, my steps quickening as the feeling worsened. I no sooner entered the bathroom (single stall, THANK GOD!) when (literally) all hell broke loose from my body. The door was barely shut and it was on! It was the scene from Exorcist. I tried to make it to the toilet, but no luck there. (Yeah, I know ew!) And it kept coming and coming, before I knew it, the floors, sink and toilet were covered. I stood back, fearing to leave, for what would I say to the server? It was a fairly small joint, so I couldn't just escape without being noticed..... uggg. Yeah embarrassed doesn't even cover it!

When I gave birth the first time I had an the unfortunate experience of an aunt who had to tell me that enemas were standard procedure in all births. WHAT?!? I freaked about that for MANY weeks leading up to birth. Don't know why I didn't just ask my OBGYN, but being young and scared made me a bit naive. Even though that never happened in my case, I did end up having to suffer through a catheter and many other procedures during birth that were new and less than fun.

But that doesn't even begin to compare to the experiences after birth. I had a nurse "man handle" my breasts during a lesson in breast feeding. (Uh back the fug up!) I had an infection in a milk duct that made my breast swell to the size of a cantaloupe and be tender even to a shower, which then in turn had to be examined and "felt-up" by another doctor. And then there were the bladder infections, constipation, etc. Yeah, I know, it's impolite to discuss such things on the internet. But most Moms would agree it is just the reality. That and much, much more.

So you must know there is a good reason for all this disclosure. Yeah and it's a good one, or at least I think so. So.... here goes: I was having a conversation with a friend (name withheld to protect the innocent) who was telling me about her man and his, ahem, new affliction. Yeah, we'll dispense with the "men are tougher than women" right here and now. Because for all their gruff, deep down most can be kind of wussies about being sick or having anything out of the normal wrong with them. We've all thought and some have even said it: If they had to squeeze a watermelon out of their privates, they would have a whole different perspective on not only pain and tolerance, but humility about the embarrassing things that happen to our bodies.

So back to my friend's man, who has developed a new little affliction in his nether region, and it has struck him pretty hard. A combination of embarrassment, and the humble reality that we all age, and our bodies change, sometimes in the most mortifying way, has had him whining about this quite a bit. Oh, yeah and it's uncomfortable and a little painful. But mostly it is the former not the latter. She was sympathetic, because having had children, she could relate. She explained how to relieve most of the pain, WITHOUT him having to go to the doctor to have this bumm exposed. Yeah, is he not lucky to have her or what? But her sympathy only went so far, and she couldn't help but rib him a little during a txt interaction:

Him: No more beans 4 lunch!
Her: Why, the guys giving U a hard time?
Him: No my butt is sore!
Her: Aw, don't worry at least U can tell the guys U have a new HEMI, just not in UR truck, on UR ass!
Long pause.....
Him: NOT FUNNY!

The feck if it ain't! Yeah, I think it's hilarious! In fact I'm sure if he heard this little interaction about someone else, he'd be laughing his ass off (again, no pun intended). I know I am. And if he KNEW she told me this AND if he knew I posted this to my blog..... yeah, again: NOT FUNNY!

But I couldn't help it! I had to share.