Cloudy

It is gray and cloudy today for the first time in a very long time. It is oddly comforting to me, the dark brooding sky that rumbles occasionally letting go and drops spill from above. It seems to mirror the mood I have harbored all summer long. Despite the blue skies and sunshine my petulant mood just seems to cloud everything to a dull overcast finish.

I have been so naive - What I know now is happiness is NOT ALWAYS simply a choice - or at least there are circumstance where choosing happiness is just not as simple as it is stated. Sometimes choosing happiness is as difficult as fighting against a current dragging you the other way. Sometimes it is just too much. Too much for one heart to hold. And I see why people give up, become still and stop fighting.

Too much loss, too much to bear, that I wonder how I can continue like this. Yet everyday I do, somehow, manage to get up and put one foot in front of the other. Going through the motions, but really just sleepwalking through life. I even manage to sometimes distract myself just long enough to enjoy the moments, but there lurking in the background is the pull tugging me back, reminding me that this year summer just didn't hold the same joy it normally does.

I don't know that it has ever been this bad. I don't know if my compulsion to run has EVER been this strong. Do you ever just wish for a do over? I just want to start all over. Like OK I see how much I've fucked this up can I just select to restart the game? I know it isn't right to throw the baby out with the bath water, but that is exactly what feels so attractive. Just to walk away from everything.

Time heals all wounds? I'm not so sure, I think time tends to allow our minds to forget. And forget we do until the next time.