On Writing and Having Faith

Elizabeth Gillbert once wrote: "I never promised the universe that I would write brilliantly; I only promised the universe that I would write."

For me, writing requires Faith. And persistence. But mostly Faith. And also some discipline. But largely Faith. OK, so it takes lots of things, but first, for me, it is always Faith...that whole believing in the unknown. Since I rarely know where I want to end up it is like walking towards something without proof that it exists. Trusting in what you cannot see. Creating the sidewalk under your feet as you go.

Frankly, Faith is something I have never been good at. Faith in others, Faith in the world, but mostly Faith in myself has been the hardest. Which, for me, translates into an inability to write consistently with confidence. I question myself: "Do I even know what I want to say? Is it really something worth saying? Is my writing good? Why bother, its all been said by someone else. Don't write something unless you can write it well. Why do I even do this?" Or this can simply be translated to: "You are just not good enough." I give up and push it aside having a complete lack of motivation to write anything, when I can't find faith. The irony is it is probably then that I need to write the most. If I can just figure out how to let go of the perfectionist enough, I might be able to get to it. You know move through it to get to it? Yeah, baby! Faith is just the beginning. The proverbial tip of the iceberg. Move through doubt, (which is small compared to what lies below), to get to that little inner voice and allow it to sing for all its worth.

Faith is believing, beyond all the uncertainty, that there will be something there: that this empty pottery wheel will in fact contain something in the end. I, myself, have a hard time creating something from nothing. I like: directions, instructions, a blueprint, if you will. When I have a plan, I can follow, even mimic, but starting with nothing and molding it into something without a desired outcome as to what it should look like, for me: HARD, HARD, HARD! You might as well be asking me to do surgery on myself! How do I begin? What if I do it wrong? When it isn't easy, and faith is elusive I wonder why in the 'H - E - Double Hockey Sticks' I even thought I was good at this or even like this, I struggle to begin, the words just not coming, sheer force of my will or even self-deprecation cannot make me fill the space. I close my eyes trying to summon anything but usually all I find is a mocking "I told you so." and then silence. Sad, but also, somewhat relieved, I put the scalpel down and walk away.

Of course there are times when I am faith-filled I write as if I am the tide and the page is the sand. Believing I have something to say, not sure of a good way to say it, I keep putting down one word after another, not even knowing if the outcome will be intelligible to anyone but me, and I don't even care. I keep working, I keep writing, I keep reading and re-working my words, crashing over the sand again and again in an unstoppable rhythm. THAT, my friends, is faith! Not seeing a picture in my mind of what I am trying to construct, but faith that if I keep putting down words a sculpture I will create. OK, probably not a sculpture, but maybe a bowl, or a vase or something. I will have something to show for this.

Faith....which today seems to have taken up residence in me again. Most days, I can't recall even what it looks like or when was the last time I saw it. But today faith and I are having coffee and sitting here together as if he was always here. So much so, that today I can say here: I am a writer. Maybe for no one but myself, but it is part of me - of who I am.

But even with faith I find I get stuck. It's that in the hurry of life, sometime I can't find myself and my inner voice. Cluttered in my mind among the to-do lists, chores, the constant worry and the 50 million other things I must remember is that small voice, lost in the busy crowd of competing thoughts. In all that disorganized chaos clamoring for attention how can one find even one complete though, let alone a string of them that makes sense? "Hush!" I tell them, "I am working my clay." Oh if it were only that easy!

Sometimes my inner voice speaks so eloquently to me at very inopportune times like when I'm in a place where I cannot scribble down what is being spoken. Taking me on a ride in my mind that is magnificent. When I do finally sit down to write I cannot summon this voice to talk. Like a stubborn child with its arms folded across its chest and mouth clamped shut. His eyes are beseeching me, "Come on I dare you to try to make me open up!" And I sit.... trying to recall that blissful train of though that I rode as it came up over the mountain and upon the most beautiful valley of words. But that stubborn toddler will not cooperate. Yes, I admit, I can't make you remember or revisit the earlier trip we took. I imagine this toddler mad at me for my lack of attention when he was ready and willingly spilling his secret.

Writing comes in fits and spurs. I would like to say if I disciplined myself to write everyday that somewhere in that I could sift out the good, worthy part from all the rambling that would surely be the result of filling pages with my daily thoughts. Truth is, my voice speaks when it speaks and them is silent when it's silent. So I don't know if this would be a worthwhile habit to force.

And there in lies the perplexing issue of discipline. What drives us to do anything? Because if you don't have a reason, why then how do you convince yourself to keep moving through the stuff that is hard? Finding the reason that will cause you to do the work. Not just a goal. Quite frankly, I am goal driven, like: "Do A to get B". But this is a process, not an end-result kind of thing. The goal moves and changes. On one hand I can see that having discipline is not completely the answer, but I can also see that I don't want to use lack of motivation as a crutch.

Quit worrying about being good enough, or saying the right things. Just write. Quit giving up and pushing aside what is hard. Trust that your heart has something to say and if you let it is will state what is contains. Because even at it's worst, your words are just that: yours.

“The idea is to write it so that people hear it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart.” ~ Maya Angelou