Addiction

Reading a new book called Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gillbert. Absolutely LOVING it. As in I am devouring each and every word, absolutely gulping them down like a tall glass of water. My head tilted back, eyes closed, trickles of water running out of the corner of my mouth and down my face.... not wanting to waste, not wanting to finish with out savoring, but can't quite slow down either. Yeah, it's THAT GOOD! Here is one excerpt that I am addicted to (no pun intended):

"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story, It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never ever dared to admit you wanted - an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore - despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in the corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have that thing even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardy blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even in your own eyes.
So that's it. You have reached infatuation's final destination - the complete and merciless devaluation of self."

Oh boy....

I imagine sitting in a room. A fan slowly whirling above me and the circle of faceless people. I stand and say:
"Hello." and I state my name "I am an addict"
The group of faceless strangers reply back, "Hello..."

Maybe I have always intrinsically understood I was prone to addiction. Afraid always of needing anything. But somehow, I let myself want this. Didn't even understand that I wanted it let alone that I could come to crave and need it. Now fighting that feeling of loneliness that comes when the high wears off.....

Which brings me to one of her excerpts about loneliness. When she finds herself dealing with loneliness she tells herself in absolute resolve (that I am so jealous of):

"So be lonely, learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for you own unfulfilled yearnings."

Oh my f-word-ing Gad! (Opps, I apologize... lordy, should probably not be so profane... especially when the book is about gaining spiritual insight). But is that not beautifully, beautifully stated? Yeah... goosebumps.