For Good

(Elphaba):
I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda):
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda):
Because I knew you

(Both):
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda):
And because I knew you...

(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...

(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

Kristin Chenoweth - For Good from Wicked

A Day I Will Remember Forever

Not because for the first time ever in the history of the United States an African American man was elected president....

No......... I will remember this day as the day I first heard my daughter call another woman Mom. A woman who hasn't EVEN known my children for a whole year. Does the title Mom MEAN something anymore? Doesn't that title have to be EARNED? I am sad, but even more MAD at the adults that they would teach/support/encourage/allow my children to be so cavalier with this honor. As if it means little or nothing for one to have such a title. As if respecting your Mother and Father above others is not necessary, that they are easily replaced. And maybe I am being a little dramatic here after all it is just a word. But in my heart of hearts it should mean more than that. And I am dissapointed that I have not taught my children the sacred meaning of that word.

To pretend I didn't see this coming would just be naive. But I can say I must have done a really good job of fooling myself into believing it wouldn't happen - because when it did hear it I cannot describe how very much it hurt. Like being hit by a car - no matter how many times I looked before I crossed the street - this one seemly came out of nowhere. Yet in hindsight I know I wasn't looking carefully enough. Wishing that I would be lucky enough to avoid this.

Lately I have struggled to tread water in the swelling river of "the teenage years" - fighting the current of teenage angst - and now I am also feeling the weight of a new step mom for my children.

For as long as I can remember all I ever wanted to be was a Mom. I didn't have career aspirations like the rest of the kids I knew, the only thing I knew for sure was that when I grew up I wanted kids - and more specifically I hoped for a daughter.

Lucky, lucky me.... not only did I get two kids, one of each: a daughter and a son, I am incredibly blessed to have healthy, beautiful, smart children who are growing to make me more proud everyday. And now as I realize just how honored I am to have the title of Mom - I also have to realize that with that title comes some amazingly hard responsibilities. For as selfish as I would like to be about this, I know as their Mom it is my duty to do what is best for them. As much as I would like to be such a giood Mom and have such a solid relationship with my kids that they would never ever consider calling someone selse Mom, as much as I would like to believe that I am irreplaceable - the truth is I cannot make them feel guilty for feeling how they feel. I cannot be mad or insist that I am their only Mom. I must let go and let them decide in their hearts what Mom means to them and accept that sharing that title with another woman is truly their decision - not mine.

God gave me these children because I had lots to learn. I have taken for granted my role and my relationship with my children - assuming it was a given that I am their Mom - and that I alone would have that. When in truth the hardest part about being a Mom is knowing when to let go and let your kids who they are going to be. And that includes allowing them to have whatever relationships they will have in this life with who they will.

Doesn't change that it hurts all the same......................

You're Fired

Once upon a time I made friends by default, by lack of any other choice you got the job. And I kept friends like the government keeps workers: continued to pay you until you either quit or retired, but I never fired you. Lots of people quit, some retired. And those that stuck around just kept collecting - whether they did their job well or not.

I don't like it that you are angry with me about this, because it is hard for me to accept that someone might not like me. But today I have come to understand that deep down inside.... you hating me over this is the reason why I can no longer respect you enough to call you my friend.

You didn't live up to the requirements of the job. Sorry but YOU'RE FIRED.

Wicked

"Was it an accident I saw that? He wondered...... Or is it just that the world unwraps itself to you, again and again, as soon as you are ready to see it anew?"

Wicked, Gregory Maguire

Letting Go

I came across this in the most unlikely place but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

Cloudy

It is gray and cloudy today for the first time in a very long time. It is oddly comforting to me, the dark brooding sky that rumbles occasionally letting go and drops spill from above. It seems to mirror the mood I have harbored all summer long. Despite the blue skies and sunshine my petulant mood just seems to cloud everything to a dull overcast finish.

I have been so naive - What I know now is happiness is NOT ALWAYS simply a choice - or at least there are circumstance where choosing happiness is just not as simple as it is stated. Sometimes choosing happiness is as difficult as fighting against a current dragging you the other way. Sometimes it is just too much. Too much for one heart to hold. And I see why people give up, become still and stop fighting.

Too much loss, too much to bear, that I wonder how I can continue like this. Yet everyday I do, somehow, manage to get up and put one foot in front of the other. Going through the motions, but really just sleepwalking through life. I even manage to sometimes distract myself just long enough to enjoy the moments, but there lurking in the background is the pull tugging me back, reminding me that this year summer just didn't hold the same joy it normally does.

I don't know that it has ever been this bad. I don't know if my compulsion to run has EVER been this strong. Do you ever just wish for a do over? I just want to start all over. Like OK I see how much I've fucked this up can I just select to restart the game? I know it isn't right to throw the baby out with the bath water, but that is exactly what feels so attractive. Just to walk away from everything.

Time heals all wounds? I'm not so sure, I think time tends to allow our minds to forget. And forget we do until the next time.

Waking up

"Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me......

....Whatever it was that had happened.... it had woken me up."

New Moon ~ Stephenie Meyer