To explain where I've been in the last 6 months, to describe how I got here..... well, I'm not sure I really can. I had to fall down really hard. Bruised and broken. Staring out into nothing wondering if I would ever shake this empty feeling in my gut. That feeling that tells you, this time you really fucked up. And I had. I hated myself. I hated where I was. I was so utterly lost. Was I being hard on myself? yes....and no. The truth is, I made some pretty bad decisions. And as my cursor blinks at the end of that last sentences, all I can think is: what an understatement.
For all of the bad decisions, that to this day I can still replay in my mind wondering what would have happened at each turn had a did or said something different, I did make one good decision: In the end, I trusted the right person. Probably for the first time ever in my relationship with the Alaskan, I trusted that he would be able to handle this.
It was a HUGE gamble to admit my mistakes to him. For in this, I wasn't the only one who had made mistakes. He had his own burden to bear as well. But the only way for to get to it, was to go through it. I had to quit blaming him for everything. And even more, I had to let go of the notion that I could control his response.
I think I have always feared that if I let him in, if I trusted him completely, he would just leave. I never trusted that we had anything that would cause him to stay. Eventually, he would tire of me and he would go. And the truth is, when he really did leave, I somehow felt better, as if I could quit anticipating his departure. So for some reason in a moment of reckless abandon, a little tiny speck of bravery (maybe stupidity) allowed me to be vulnerable and bear my soul. To trust him with more of me than I had ever allowed him to see. In opening myself, I had to accept that he may still leave, but to allow him to know me and still decide to stay. I had to accept that he might hate me forever, but it was possible that he might love me more than I ever gave him credit for. And most important, I had to accept that I, ultimately, was not in control of that decision. And that, my friends, was the fork in the road, the choice I made, that has led me here today.
It's hard to describe all that has transpired. I wish I could say he took me in his arms, forgave me and all is well. But the truth is life is never quite that easy. Many times, I wondered if I had made the right decision, many times more I believed if I could do it over, I would have done it differently. The path wasn't always smooth and clear. But I know I did the right thing. I know that not only for my relationship, but for me. To be able to trust that not
everyone leaves when things are hard, is an invaluable lesson I could never have learned alone.
So I am completely OK? No. I still have some bruises, that I wonder if they will ever completely go away. Am I still afraid? Yeah, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. And then there is a moment when completely out of nowhere I catch an amazing glimpse of what it is that is so magical about relationships. In a moment of pure rambling, he says, "I was asking some of the guys at work about horses, and what the difference is between a mare and a gelding.... they said when we get a horse....." Dumbfounded, I say "You really do want to give me what I want." To which he replied, "Yeah, I do. And I will."
To completely understand this, you would have to know him and you would have to know me and our dynamics. Suffice to say, in the past I have always been the one to pay attention, and I'm the one who talks of the future. I'm the giver.
So lest I believe he never listens, or is not concerned about my dreams, but only with his own, or that he probably won't stay with me, he said I should know:
He Does, He Is and He Will.
"Thank U"
how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time
the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping
thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
Thank U by Alanis Morissette
