Connection

I had a bit of an Ah Ha moment this past weekend. While speaking with The Alaskan trying to analyze this relationship of ours and decide if there is anything worth salvaging, we start to speak about one of the issues that we struggled with: sex. It made me remember a comment made to me, "What is it with you and sex?" and my answer is : Why? Because I want it a lot? Because I enjoy it? Why is this so hard for people to understand? After all, it feels good right? Why wouldn't you want to do it? But in this moment with him I realize there were periods of time when I couldn't get enough. I have for so long assumed that this was something men valued in a woman, her desire to want to have sex. I hoped he would find value in this. Even when things were pretty bad, I wanted to be intimate with him. There did come a time in the last few months when no longer craved this with him. Why? What changed? He equates this with what happened with The Egyptian and Daddy. But why did I let go of this so easily?

I think it wasn't about sex. SURPRISE! SURPRISE! right? What I wanted so desperately and was lacking was: connection. To feel connected to another human being. I think the reason why it NEVER felt like The Alaskan and I had enough sex is the absence of this emotional connection. In the absence of this, I was looking to connect in some way, any way, I could with him. I assumed this sexual connection was what every man wanted. When he was gone in his mind, we couldn't connect emotionally. We didn't talk to each other, not really. We didn't spend meaningful time together. We existed, especially in the last many months, in this life together physically, but mentally in very different places. Sex seemed like the only way between us to satisfy this need for connection. And when we were able to do this, it worked for a little while, but the feeling faded and we were back to this place of missing each other completely. Maybe I assumed that if we connected sexually, he wouldn't go away so much. But he did. And in the end, so did I.

For the first time in I don't know how long, we talked. He looked at me, he listened, and I listened to him, we exchanged words with each other. I don't remember the last time we were able to do this. My experience has mostly been I would talk at him and he would give some barely coherent response that would make little sense and lead us in circles. He hardly ever made sense when he was drinking. Now, I am surprised at how well he can articulate his feelings.

It doesn't mean we are home free. We have so much to work out and work through. BUT when he is sober, we at least have a fighting chance at this. I try not to muse too much about why it took all of this MESS to get to this place. I don't know if we will completely make it back from this. But I do know now that I need to have this piece in my life, this emotional connection, and nothing can be substituted for it. I still like sex and still want sex, but it doesn't consume all of my thoughts the way it once did.

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters

I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I fall in, I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out

I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault. I still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It’s a habit. My eyes are open I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the street. There is a manhole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

I don't know who wrote this but it seems to touch a nerve. Funny how we need to repeat mistakes in order to learn the lessons we must learn in this life. And someone much wiser than me says not only will we repeat them, but they will be bigger and harder the second (or third or fourth...) time around. So in this case the hole will be deeper....

No matter what anybody says.....

You are the greatest!

This came from a caller today that I helped with a spreadsheet. I was on the phone with her for no more than a few minutes helping with something that was for me a VERY simple problem. Open and closed. I do this many times a day.

And that was the compliment I got..... which was delightfully unexpected. Except on second thought... who else has she been talking too, and what ARE they saying about me?

What the FUCK was I thinking!

That pretty much sums it up.......

I would like to claim that the real answer is: I wasn't (thinking that is). But honestly I do believe that I have thought a lot about all of it. Not during, but after. Ignorance would be bliss here, but it would be a lie and a cop out.

And now I continue to think, probably over think, every decision, interaction, word spoken. Wasted emotional energy, I know. But it feels like if I don't learn something here... this will come again and the lesson will be harder, and probably even more devastating.

So... Smart enough to know better, too stupid to care?
No actually... Smart enough to know that I'm just not that smart (especially when it comes to things like this).

(You can thank Jenny Owen Youngs for her song Fuck Was I that got me here today)

"Skillet on the stove... such a temptation.
Maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesn't get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?"

10 simple ways

To save yourself from messing up your life

I came across this article today and find it extremely helpful in my emotional state these days. So I am putting it here to share and also so I can refer to this again later. Hope you find it as enlightening and helpful as I have today. Now, just breathe.

1. Stop taking so much notice of how you feel. How you feel is how you feel. It’ll pass soon. What you’re thinking is what you’re thinking. It’ll go too. Tell yourself that whatever you feel, you feel; whatever you think, you think. Since you can’t stop yourself thinking, or prevent emotions from arising in your mind, it makes no sense to be proud or ashamed of either. You didn’t cause them. Only your actions are directly under your control. They’re the only proper cause of pleasure or shame.
2. Let go of worrying. It often makes things worse. The more you think about something bad, the more likely it is to happen. When you’re hair-trigger primed to notice the first sign of trouble, you’ll surely find something close enough to convince yourself it’s come.
3. Ease up on the internal life commentary. If you want to be happy, stop telling yourself you’re miserable. People are always telling themselves how they feel, what they’re thinking, what others feel about them, what this or that event really means. Most of it’s imagination. The rest is equal parts lies and misunderstandings. You have only the most limited understanding of what others feel about you. Usually they’re no better informed on the subject; and they care about it far less than you do. You have no way of knowing what this or that event really means. Whatever you tell yourself will be make-believe.
4. Take no notice of your inner critic. Judging yourself is pointless. Judging others is half-witted. Whatever you achieve, someone else will always do better. However bad you are, others are worse. Since you can tell neither what’s best nor what’s worst, how can you place yourself correctly between them? Judging others is foolish since you cannot know all the facts, cannot create a reliable or objective scale, have no means of knowing whether your criteria match anyone else’s, and cannot have more than a limited and extremely partial view of the other person. Who cares about your opinion anyway?
5. Give up on feeling guilty. Guilt changes nothing. It may make you feel you’re accepting responsibility, but it can’t produce anything new in your life. If you feel guilty about something you’ve done, either do something to put it right or accept you screwed up and try not to do so again. Then let it go. If you’re feeling guilty about what someone else did, see a psychiatrist. That’s insane.
6. Stop being concerned what the rest of the world says about you. Nasty people can’t make you mad. Nice people can’t make you happy. Events or people are simply events or people. They can’t make you anything. You have to do that for yourself. Whatever emotions arise in you as a result of external events, they’re powerless until you pick them up and decide to act on them. Besides, most people are far too busy thinking about themselves (and worry what you are are thinking and saying about them) to be concerned about you.
7. Stop keeping score. Numbers are just numbers. They don’t have mystical powers. Because something is expressed as a number, a ratio or any other numerical pattern doesn’t mean it’s true. Plenty of lovingly calculated business indicators are irrelevant, gibberish, nonsensical, or just plain wrong. If you don’t understand it, or it’s telling you something bizarre, ignore it. There’s nothing scientific about relying on false data. Nor anything useful about charting your life by numbers that were silly in the first place.
8. Don’t be concerned that your life and career aren’t working out the way you planned. The closer you stick to any plan, the quicker you’ll go wrong. The world changes constantly. However carefully you analyzed the situation when you made the plan, if it’s more than a few days old, things will already be different. After a month, they’ll be very different. After a year, virtually nothing will be the same as it was when you started. Planning is only useful as a discipline to force people to think carefully about what they know and what they don’t. Once you start, throw the plan away and keep your eyes on reality.
9. Don’t let others use you to avoid being responsible for their own decisions. To hold yourself responsible for someone else’s success and happiness demeans them and proves you’ve lost the plot. It’s their life. They have to live it. You can’t do it for them; nor can you stop them from messing it up if they’re determined to do so. The job of a supervisor is to help and supervise. Only control-freaks and some others with a less serious mental disability fail to understand this.
10. Don’t worry about about your personality. You don’t really have one. Personality, like ego, is a concept invented by your mind. It doesn’t exist in the real world. Personality is a word for the general impression that you give through your words and actions. If your personality isn’t likeable today, don’t worry. You can always change it, so long as you allow yourself to do so. What fixes someone’s personality in one place is a determined effort on their part—usually through continually telling themselves they’re this or that kind of person and acting on what they say. If you don’t like the way you are, make yourself different. You’re the only person who’s standing in your way.

Lost

"The greatest hazard of all, losing one's self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly." ~The Sickness Unto Death

Somehow, I've lost it again. I got lost in this and now I feel lost. I don't even remember what it was like before this mess. I try to recall what I wanted then, before all of this confusion, but it has faded like a dream, vaguely remembered, but the details no longer clear.

I gave myself up again telling myself that I would deal with the consequences later. Wrapped up in the moment I was unable, or unwilling, to consider the ache I would feel when he was gone. I thought I would find comfort that in the moment it was there, and so was I. But I forgot how it feels to detach. I forgot that I would question every word I ever said, every decision I even made. I forgot that I knew my heart would break.

I've lost my confidence, my resolve. I've lost the reasons I made the choices I made. How easily I waiver between being strong and being fragile. Looking for reassurance, but the image staring back at me from the mirror only says one thing, "Why?"

Not a Slight Thing

"It is not a slight thing, when they, who are so fresh from God,
love us."....Dickens

We won't always be the best Moms we can be. Among the many mistakes we will make as mothers, we will set bad examples, say things in haste and anger we later regret, we will make bad choices, and sometimes we will fall down. And those sweet little cherub faces will look to us so trusting and innocent, wanting us to make it better. They will love us and forgive us of our mistakes and misgivings. In their eyes, we are loved, no matter what. That is both the joy and ache of being a parent. A joy to have this love, but an ache to feel at times we don’t deserve it. So it is, that we must get back up and keep pressing on. For them. Even if we don't know the right thing or the best thing to do. We must just keep trying. Because even at our worst we learn from these children and we teach these children, about unconditional love….. Who even love us when we are at our worst. And they are counting on us. So no matter how hard it is, if for nothing else, for them. Because sometimes, we get it absolutely right. And it is those moments, when they say, “I love you Mom you’re the best” that we know it is all worth it.

I made the mistake of striving to be a perfect Mom. But the Egyptian reminds me that being imperfect is really the perfect way to be. It is this that our kids will learn from, and hopefully they will feel safe to make their own mistakes in life. And just as they will look to us for comfort and reassurance in these times, we must also look to them, for they are the reason we do what we do.

Happy Mother's Day.

Drama

Coping

We all do this differently. Some people avoid, some people bury themselves in other things like work, projects, etc., some people drink or do drugs, some people sleep, some talk or write. I think I do a little of all of this, but mostly, I talk.
I have so many things rattling around in this brain of mine, that if I don't talk I think I will explode. Writing alleviates some of that, but honestly, I cannot write as fast as I think. I can't even talk as fast as my mind races from one thing to the next, let alone write it all down. And it seems these thoughts, and even sometimes epiphanies, come at times that writing is not an option. Like while I am walking, while I am in the shower, or just before I fall asleep.
So I fall more into talking my way through something with someone else. Mostly this works for me, however, I don't always know where I am at and what I am feeling. I am bound to say all kinds of things before I completely (if that is even possible) figure out what is going on inside my head.
I trust the people around me to let me talk my way through this until I land, but sometimes my words get me into trouble. They create sticky spots in my relationships with others. I'm not sure I can do this different, but right now I wish I had.

You Had Me

You had me, You lost me
You're wasted, You cost me
I don't want you here messing with my mind

Spitting in my eyes and I still see
Tried to keep me down
I'm breaking free
I don't want no part in your next fix
Someone needs to tell you this is it

Hey listen you'll be missin'
Out on all my love and my kissing
Make your mistakes on your own time
When you come down you're just no good to have around
Instead of making money you took mine

You had me, You lost me
You're wasted, You cost me
I don't want you here messing with my mind
I've realized in time that my eyes are not blind
I've seen it before I'm taking back my life

You tried to trade on my naivete
But the things you do and say embarrass me
See once upon a time I was your fool
But the one I leave behind is you

Vodka and a packet of cigarettes
That's all it used to be but now
You're sniffing on snow when you're feeling low
Suffocating dreams that could have been
Maybe for a minute I was down with that
But it didn't take long for me to see the light
You swore you had control of it
But when I stepped back you slipped on your supply

Taking it back I'm taking it back
Taking back my life
Ain't nobody got no business stressing all the time

You Had Me, Joss Stone

Wreck Of The Day

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
On love