Lost

"The greatest hazard of all, losing one's self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly." ~The Sickness Unto Death

Somehow, I've lost it again. I got lost in this and now I feel lost. I don't even remember what it was like before this mess. I try to recall what I wanted then, before all of this confusion, but it has faded like a dream, vaguely remembered, but the details no longer clear.

I gave myself up again telling myself that I would deal with the consequences later. Wrapped up in the moment I was unable, or unwilling, to consider the ache I would feel when he was gone. I thought I would find comfort that in the moment it was there, and so was I. But I forgot how it feels to detach. I forgot that I would question every word I ever said, every decision I even made. I forgot that I knew my heart would break.

I've lost my confidence, my resolve. I've lost the reasons I made the choices I made. How easily I waiver between being strong and being fragile. Looking for reassurance, but the image staring back at me from the mirror only says one thing, "Why?"