Connection

I had a bit of an Ah Ha moment this past weekend. While speaking with The Alaskan trying to analyze this relationship of ours and decide if there is anything worth salvaging, we start to speak about one of the issues that we struggled with: sex. It made me remember a comment made to me, "What is it with you and sex?" and my answer is : Why? Because I want it a lot? Because I enjoy it? Why is this so hard for people to understand? After all, it feels good right? Why wouldn't you want to do it? But in this moment with him I realize there were periods of time when I couldn't get enough. I have for so long assumed that this was something men valued in a woman, her desire to want to have sex. I hoped he would find value in this. Even when things were pretty bad, I wanted to be intimate with him. There did come a time in the last few months when no longer craved this with him. Why? What changed? He equates this with what happened with The Egyptian and Daddy. But why did I let go of this so easily?

I think it wasn't about sex. SURPRISE! SURPRISE! right? What I wanted so desperately and was lacking was: connection. To feel connected to another human being. I think the reason why it NEVER felt like The Alaskan and I had enough sex is the absence of this emotional connection. In the absence of this, I was looking to connect in some way, any way, I could with him. I assumed this sexual connection was what every man wanted. When he was gone in his mind, we couldn't connect emotionally. We didn't talk to each other, not really. We didn't spend meaningful time together. We existed, especially in the last many months, in this life together physically, but mentally in very different places. Sex seemed like the only way between us to satisfy this need for connection. And when we were able to do this, it worked for a little while, but the feeling faded and we were back to this place of missing each other completely. Maybe I assumed that if we connected sexually, he wouldn't go away so much. But he did. And in the end, so did I.

For the first time in I don't know how long, we talked. He looked at me, he listened, and I listened to him, we exchanged words with each other. I don't remember the last time we were able to do this. My experience has mostly been I would talk at him and he would give some barely coherent response that would make little sense and lead us in circles. He hardly ever made sense when he was drinking. Now, I am surprised at how well he can articulate his feelings.

It doesn't mean we are home free. We have so much to work out and work through. BUT when he is sober, we at least have a fighting chance at this. I try not to muse too much about why it took all of this MESS to get to this place. I don't know if we will completely make it back from this. But I do know now that I need to have this piece in my life, this emotional connection, and nothing can be substituted for it. I still like sex and still want sex, but it doesn't consume all of my thoughts the way it once did.