This is frequently how it ends for me. I try to articulate what it is in my head, the A connecting to the B which connects to the C. But most people don't get it. They don't see what I understand. They misunderstand what I try to communicate.
Sometimes I am angry on the outside, but really on the inside I am hurt.
Sometimes I appear to be bold and brave, but on the inside I am terrified.
Sometimes I will push you away when I am really looking for reassurance.
Do I over analyze everything..... yes. It is a fear of being misunderstood that causes me to get it strait in my head so that I can explain. When I am trying to "get it strait" I work through it over and over again.
But I am not always clear, not always able to figure out what is going on for me quickly. I am running in circles chasing my tail trying desperately to understand myself.
When I trust people I let them in. Sometimes in this process of trying to figure myself out, I am vulnerable. Trying to hold on to my self worth with all I've got. But I am so susceptible to other people's opinions of me. It is hard for me to take stock in who I am when I hear things buzzing around in my head. And if I try to talk through it and I get confused and people don't seem to understand, I think my tendency is to undo what I did, take it back, make it right for them.
I wish I could let go completely of everything I know and start with a fresh canvas and repaint who I am, who I want to be. But even if this was possible, I would lose history.
Who am I? Who do I want to be? I'm not sure I know. But I don't think I want to be me anymore.
So it is no wonder that I am misunderstood.
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