You Live, You Learn

It's still hard for me to let go of the ideal that marriage is suppose to last forever. And more importantly, what does it say about me that I couldn't make a marriage work. I know what's done is done, you cannot go back. But at times, I still question: Maybe if I had tried harder, maybe if I hung on a little longer, would we have figured it out? Could we have made it work?

The truth is, there will always be "maybes" in life. Hind-sight is 20/20 right? Well, maybe not perfect, but it is at least better. What I see now looking back is so different than what I saw then. First of all, time does heal many hurts. But also, I am looking back with eyes that have learned some things in this intervening time and have become so much more emotionally mature. So, although it may be that time and distance helps us grow and heal, and maybe now I can see where I might have done things different, more importantly, I realize I could never have known this then, in that place I was, because I wasn't who I am today. So for today, I must take away what I've learned and move forward.

Most days, I talk myself off this "guilt" ledge by reminding myself that staying in a marriage with irreconcilable issues was no example for my children. Years from now, if my daughter comes to me and described a relationship where she is unhappy, and try as she might she cannot find a way to be happy, do I tell her to stay, no matter what? Or do you take her in my arms and tell her sometimes, honey, life doesn't work out the way we think. And then help her with the long process of getting back to a place where once again she can see what she wants her life to look like. Helping her put the pieces back together, to put one foot in front of the other. We live and we learn, right? Isn't that what we are likely to tell our children? So why can we not tell ourselves this same thing? Why don't we allow ourselves that?

After all isn't it these lessons in life that teach us who we are? We must not forget that we learn invaluable lessons in getting our hearts broken. We learn when we fall and we learn when we fail. These lessons hopefully make is stronger and better. A better person, a better parent and hopefuly, a better partner, or at the very least a little wiser. We won't make the same mistakes again. Or we *hope* we won't anyway.

It isn't that I regret leaving, so much as I wish I knew then what I know now. The things I know now about myself..... But somethings you can only know by going through it. And more importantly, by trying and failing. So while you keep your eyes on the road ahead, don't forget to glance in the rear-view mirror on occation just to keep in sight where you've been. And, after all, I would not be who I am without having learned that: Ideals aren't always so ideal.

So as Alanis would say: "Swallow it down, that jagged-little pill"