An Understatement

To say that I have missed you would be an understatement. So many times in the last few months I have wanted to call you to tell you about some little thing, then remembering that I can't.

To say that I wish we could go back would be an understatement. I have replayed it over and over again. Wondering how it got so fucked up. Remembering each decision that alone didn't mean much, but all together painted a picture that I never intended or even could have foresaw. A mixture of guilt and anger seems to be the best I can do right now.

To say things have become complicated would be an understatement. Caught in the middle between moving on and fixing things with the Alaskan.

To say that I think you owe me more than what you have so far provided is an understatement. Is there any accountability for you in this? I said I was sorry so many times both to you and to myself when I couldn't say it to you and in the final message I wrote to you. Yet I have heard nothing from you that makes me think you believe anything but that you are the one who was wronged here. We were all wronged in one way or another, but why thus far am I the only one who has said I'm sorry?

To tell you I wish I could give you a hug right now would be an understatement. Something tells me it will take more than a hug to fix this. But damn would it feel good to just for one minute feel that comfort. To believe that no matter what our relationship will sustain.

To say that I am not ready to deal with this is an understatement. I knew this day would come and now I feel frozen, unable to move. Paralyzed. Afraid of anything other than where we are at this exact moment. Afraid that once again I will say or do the wrong thing. Nothing is easy anymore.

You are my Ya-Ya sister, you are my one and only parenting friend and I love you
Like family
It felt safe but it doesn't anymore.
I want to tell you this and more.
Yet here I sit unable to write to you, to reach out to you.
Afraid to go back, afraid to move forward.