Over Compensating

It's like this: I am going through life and I feel myself start to slide. In that moment I freeze, that familiar sick feeling in my gut of being out of control. And then begins the process of righting myself. It is here where I over-compensate. And I find myself on the other side of the road, going the wrong way, facing on-coming traffic. I do this, a lot. I have been doing this for three years in one way or another. In the process of trying to right these wrongs, I seem to create more wrecks.
I over-compensated after my marriage ended, and I picked someone to get involved with who was completely opposite from my ex-husband. I needed to feel like I had control, and I didn't want someone who would take that from me.
And then I over-compensated many times over when I got involved with someone who didn't quite have his shit strait. I over-compensated for him to right his wrongs. When he said he didn't have something, I gave it to him. If he couldn't figure it out, I figured it out for him. When he needed something, I provided. Although he may have been able to do these things for himself, when he didn't, I did it for him.
I over-compensated emotionally, financially and intellectually trying to make things good for him, believing that if things were good for him, they would be good for us. When in truth we were (and are) in two different places. He said this is where he wanted to be: in this life, with me and two kids, a house, etc. And I took him for his word and worked towards making a life for us together. But over and over again, he has made choices that show what he really wants is something different.
I think he does want the life, but I'm not sure he really wants me as his partner. I say this because the reality for me is he is not attentive to my needs. He seems to be OK with the life, he's good with the kids and the house. It's me he doesn't seem to really be interested in. Maybe he figured the trade off was OK for him, I don't know. What I do know is: It is not OK for me. I want someone who wants me. Totally and completely.
And now as we are separating, I find myself doing it again. Wanting to make this OK for him, for the kids, for his Mom, for everyone. When in truth, I am sad, disappointed, angry that we need to separate. And I need to make this OK for me.
He says he needs to prove he can take care of himself. I get this. It is the right thing to do. I'm not sure we can stay together and that I can give up control to allow him to do this well enough to satisfy his own pride and gain my trust. After all this time, it is a hard habit to break. I just feel like I have too much to lose.
So these wings of his that have been built up over the last 2 (or so) years will now be tested.
In all of this, he is taking care of him, making the decisions he wants, doing what he wants, when he wants. And patiently, I have been trying to wait for him to figure everything out. Knowing that whatever he does, I will compensate to make things right again in my life. I need to take care of me. But every step I take toward taking care of me, is a step away from him, letting go. Letting go of the relationship as I know it, letting go of my future plans with him, letting go of all that I wanted for us. Just letting go.
I know we need to do this, but I can't help but wonder if we will ever be able to come back from this.