Plays Well With Others

Interacting in larger groups: not something I do well. I have the social skills of a gnat. Well, actually, I should pick another animal: one who likes to stay in the corner and "watch" others interact, not a bug that is relentless in fling around your head!

When I found myself 30, in the singles scene for the first time in my adult life, I thought the bars would be the place to be. But often (OK, almost always) I am out of my element. Sure, I like the J&C in my hand and the music playing. It's the whole interacting with people I don't know thing that is hard... I have really never been good at this, I guess. I can talk to people one on one. And if I know you well, I can talk for hours. But if I don't know you, I am quiet and reserved. And apparently stand-offish. It probably even appears that I am not having a good time. Not necessarily true, but certainly I can see why one might observe that. Yet, I try to get along and go along, but I have all too often ended up standing against the wall wondering why I do this. Don't get me wrong: give me a few drinks and I like to dance and can even let go of enough to have some fun. But carrying on a conversation with people I barely know: not so fun.

But I don't think this is about the bar, or even drinking. I think for far too many years when I was young and married we stuck together and alone. Socially, I ONLY interacted with him, or with a few close girlfriends, but almost always one on one. I'm just not good at the party scene because I have never really done it. And, also, I think I just don't do well in crowds. Too many people + too close together = anxiety. I prefer more intimate social situations. If there are more than a few people, or people I don't know, I fall very easily into the "Watcher" or "Listener". I don't always contribute, but this doesn't mean I am not enjoying myself. I just means I'm not as comfortable to talk or share in these situations. I prefer to sit back and listen. No harm on foul right? Yeah until you are the only one not talking. Then people wonder what the hell is wrong with you. Which is only a little better than what those who know me think.

Having friends who LOVE the bar scene (and I might add are very strong in this social situation) they seem perplexed by my shyness. This not talking is, well, not normal, because they know what a "Chatty Cathy" I can be. And since I am so quiet, I appear to not be OK. I HATE this! I get the: "Are you ok?" When I am fine. Just sitting back assessing, watching. AND, quite frankly, TRYING to learn how this is done. Silly to be 30 (something) and still trying to figure this out!

OK, maybe I'm a little hard on myself here, but what occurs to me is that I worry if people will like me. And in these situations, I play it really safe, and keep quite. Best to say nothing at all than to look like an ass. And apparently looking like a socially inept dufus is the better alternative?